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Did. Aye, what d'ye mean by laughing, you scoundrel? [Drives SAM out, and follows, L. Fain. Now that's disrespectful, especially to that gentleman, who seems to be so well known here; but these country waiters are always impertinent.

Enter DIDDLER, his letter in his hand, L. Did. A letter for me? desire the man to wait. That bumpkin is the most impertinent-I declare it's enough to— [Advancing towards FAINWOULD.] You haven't got such a thing as half a crown about you, have you, sir? there's a messenger waiting, and I haven't got any change about me.

Fain. Certainly at your service.

[Takes out his purse, and gives him money. Did. I'll return it to you, sir, as soon as possiHalloa, here!

ble.

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Enter SAM, with breakfast, L. Did. There we are, sir. Now, no ceremony, I beg, for I'm rather in a hurry myself. [Exit SAM, chuckling, L. DIDDLER pours out coffee for himself.] Help yourself, and then you'll have it to your liking. When you've done with that loaf, sir, I'll thank you for it. [Takes it out of his hand.] Thank you, sir. Breakfast, sir, is a very wholesome meal. [Eating fast.

Fain. It is, sir; I always eat a good one. Did. So do I, sir-[aside] when I can get it. Fain. I am an early riser too; and in town the servants are so lazy that I am often obliged to wait a long while before I can get any.

Did. That's exactly my case in the country. Fain. And it's very tantalizing, when one's hungry, to be served so.

Did. Very, sir-I'll trouble you once more.

[Snatches the bread out of his hand again. Fain. [aside.] This can't be meant for disrespect, but it's very like it.

Did. Are you looking for this, sir? you can call for more if you want it. [Returns a very small bit.] Here, waiter! [WAITER answers without.] Some more bread for this gentleman. You eat nothing at all, sir.

Fain. Why, bless my soul, I can get nothing. SAM enters with rolls, L. Did. Very well, Sam-thank ye, Sam-but don't giggle, Sam; curse you, don't laugh. [Following him L. Sam. Ecod! you're in luck, Mr. Diddler. [Exeunt L. DIDDLER re-enters, and again takes his letter out of his pocket.

Did. What, another letter by the coach? Might I trouble you again? You haven't got such a thing as ten pence about you, have you? I live close by, sir; I'll send it all to you the moment I go home. Be glad to see you any time you'll look in, sir.

Fain. You do me honor, sir-I haven't any half-pence; but there's my servant, you can desire him to give it you.

Did. You're very obliging. [Puts the rolls SAM brought, unobserved, into his hat.] I'm extremely sorry to give you so much trouble. I will take that liberty. [Aside.] Come, I've raised the wind for to-day, however! Ha, ha ha, ha! [Exit R. Fain. That must be a man of some breeding, by his ease and his impudence.

Enter SAM, L., crossing to R.
Who is that gentleman, waiter?
Sam. Gentleman?

Fain. Yes; by his using an inn, I suppose he lives upon his means don't he?

Sam. Yes; but they're the oddest sort of means you ever heard of in your life. What, don't you know him?

Fain. [R.] No.

Sam. Well, I thought so.

Fain. He invited me to breakfast with him.
Sam. Ah, well, that was handsome enough.
Fain. I thought so myself.

Sam. But it isn't quite so handsome to leave you to pay for it.

Fain. Leave me to pay for it!

Sam. [looking out.] Yes, I see he's off there. Fain. Pooh! he's only gone to pay for a letter. Sam. A letter! Bless you, there's no letter comes here for him.

Fain. Why, he's had two this morning; I lent him the money to pay for 'em.

Sam. No; did you though?

Fain. Yes; he hadn't any change about him. Sam. [laughing.] D-n if that ain't the softest trick I ever knowed. You come fra' Lunnun, don't you, sir?

Fain. Why, you giggling blockhead, what d'ye mean?

Sam. Why, he's had no letters, I tell you, but one he has just been writing here himself. Fain. An impudent rascal!

Sam. Well, sir, we'll put t'breakfast all to your bill, you understand, as you ordered it.

Fain. Pshaw! don't tease me about the breakfast.

Sam. Upon my soul, the flattest trick I ever heard of! [Exits, laughing, L. Fain. Well, this is the most disrespectful treatment.

Enter RICHARD, meeting him, R.
Rich. I lent that gentleman the ten pence, sir.
Fain. Confound the gentleman, and you too!
[Exit, driving off RICHARD, R.

SCENE II. The outside of PLAINWAY'S House,

R. U. E.

Enter PLAINWAY and MISS DURABLE, R. Miss D. [c.] Dear cousin, how soon you hurry us home.

Plain. [L.] Cousin, you grow worse and worse! You'd be gaping after the men from morning till night.

Miss. D. Mr. Plainway, I tell you again I'll not bear your sneers; though I won't blush to own, as I've often told you, that I think the society of accomplished men as innocent as it is pleasing.

Plain. Innocent enough with you it must be; but there's no occasion to stare accomplished men

full in the face as they pass you, or to sit whole hours at a window to gape at them, unless it is to talk to them in your famous language of the eyes; and that, I'm afraid, few of them understand, or else you speak very badly; for, whenever you ask 'em a question in it, they never seem to make you any answer.

Miss D. Cousin Plainway, you're a sad brute, and I'll never pay you another visit while I live.

Plain. I'm afraid, cousin, you have helped my daughter to some of her wild notions. Come, knock at the door. [MISS DURABLE knocks at door of house, R. U. E. JOHN opens it.

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Peg. [in a pensive tone and attitude.] Alas! cruel fate ordains I shall never see him more. [The door opens-MISS DURABLE goes into the house, R. U. E.

Plain. [L.] There-she's at her romance again. Never meet him.more! why, you're going to meet him to-day for the first time.

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Sam. Why, if she be, she's been a good while dead, I reckon; long enough, to appearance, to be t'mother of angels.

Did. Sam, you're a wag, but I don't understand your jokes. Now if you can contrive to deliver this letter into her own hands, you shall be handsomely rewarded.

Sam. Handsomely rewarded! Aye, well, let's see. [Takes the letter.] "To the beauti-" Did. Beautiful

Sam. "Beautiful maid at the foot of the hill."

[Looks up at the window.] Dam'me, now you're at some of your tricks. [Aside.] The old toad's got some money, I reckon. Well, I can but try, you know; and as to the reward, why it's neither here nor there. [Knocks at the door-JOHN opens it. Did. Thank ye, my dear fellow. Get an answer if you can, and I'll wait here for you.

Peg. [R.] You speak of the vulgar, the sordid Fainwould; I of the all-accomplished Mortimer. [SAM nods and enters house. Plain. There! that Mortimer again. Let me Miss D. A letter to deliver. Oh, dear! I'm hear that name no more, hussy; I am your all of a flutter. I must learn what it means. father, and will be obeyed.

Peg. No, sir; as Miss Somerville says, fathers of ignorant and groveling minds have no right to our obedience.

Plain. Miss Somerville! and who the devil is

Miss Somerville?

Peg. What, sir! have you never read the

"Victim of Sentiment"?

Plain. D-n the Victim of Sentiment! Get in, you baggage-Victim of Sentiment indeed!

[They go into the house, R. U. e. Enter DIDDLEr, l. Did. There she dwells. Grant, my kind stars, that she may have no lover, that she may be dying for want of one; that she may tumble about in her rosy slumbers with dreaming of some unknown swain, lovely and insinuating as Jeremy Diddler. Now how shall I get my letter delivered?

Miss D. [appearing at the window, R. U. E.] Well, I declare, the balmy zephyr breathes such delightful and refreshing breezes, that in spite of my cousin's sneers I can't help indulging in them. Did. [looking up.] There she is, by my hopes! Ye sylphs and cupids, strengthen my sight, that I may luxuriate on her beauties! No, not a feature can I distinguish-but she's gazing on mine, and that's enough.

Miss D. What a sweet-looking young gentleman-and his eyes are directed towards me. Oh, my palpitating heart! what can be mean?

Did. You're a made man, Jerry. I'll pay off my old scores, and never borrow another sixpence while I live.

Miss D. [sings.] "Oh, listen, listen to the voice of love-"

Did. Voice indifferent-but d- -n music when I've done singing for my dinners.

Enter SAM, L. 2 E., with a parcel.

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[Retires from the window.

Did. Transport! she has disappeared to receive it. She's mine. Now I shall visit the country squires upon other terms. I'll only sing when it comes to my turn, and never tell a story or cut a joke but at my own table. Yet I'm sorry for my pretty Peggy. I did love that little rogue, and I'm sure she never thinks of her Mortimer without sighing. [SAM opens the door, holds it open, and beckons.] Eh, Sam! well, what answer? [SAM advances, R.

Sam. [R.] Why, first of all she fell into a vast trepidation.

Did. [L.] Then you saw herself? Sam. Yes, I asked to see she that were sitting at the window over the door.

Did. Well

Sam. Well, you see, as I tell you, when she opened the letter she fell into a vast trepidation, and fluttered and blushed, and blushed and fluttered-in short, I never see'd any person play such comical games i' my days.

Did. It was emotion, Sam.

Sam. Yes, I know it was emotion, but it was a devilish queer one. Then, at last, says she, stuttering, as might be our pot-boy of a frosty morning, says she, Tell your master- She thought you was my master. He, he, he!

Did. My dear Sam, go on.

Sam. Well-tell your master, says she, that his request is rather bold, but I've too much-too much confidence in my own-dis—dissension—

Did. Discretion!

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Sam. Oh, then you'd better go in—I ain't shut the door.

Did. I fixed it for to-morrow morning; but there's nothing like striking while the iron's hot. I will go in, find her out, and lay myself at her feet immediately. I'll reward you, Sam, depend upon it. I shall be a moneyed man soon, and then I'll reward you. [SAM sneers.] I will, Sam, I give you my word. [Goes into the house, R. U. E. Sam. Come, that's kind, too, to give me what nobody else will take. [Exit R.

present with Sir Robert Rental, settling prelimiInaries for his marriage with my cousin.

Fain. Sir Robert Rental's marriage with Miss Plainway!

Did. Oh, you've heard a different report on the subject, perhaps. Now thereby hangs a very diverting tale. If you're not in a hurry, sit down, and I'll make you laugh about it. [DIDDLER goes up and gets a chair, which he brings forward, R., and in placing it he strikes it on FAINWOULD'S foot.

Fain. [aside.] This is all very odd, upon my soul. [They sit down, he having brought down

SCENE III-A Room in PLAINWAY's House. chair, L.
Two chairs.

Enter DIDDLER, cautiously, R.
Did. Not here. If I could but find a closet,
now, I'd hide myself till she came nigh. Luckily
Who have we here? [Retires into
a closet, and listens from the door in F.

here is one.

Enter FAINWOULD and JOHN, L. John. [R.] Walk in, sir, I'll send my master to you directly. [Exit R.

Fain. [L.] Now let me see if I can't meet with a little more respect here.

Did. [approaching and examining him.] My cockney friend, by heavens! Come in pursuit of me, perhaps !.

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Did. You see, my uncle did agree with an old fellow of the name of Fainwould, a Londoner, to marry my cousin to his son, and expects him down every day for the purpose; but, a little while ago, Sir Robert Rental, a baronet with a thumping estate, fell in love with her, and she fell in love with him. So my uncle altered his mind, as it was very natural he should, you know, and agreed to this new match. And, as he never saw the young cockney, and has since heard that he's quite a vulgar, conceited, foolish fellow, he hasn't thought it worth his while to send him any notice of the affair. So, if he should come down, you know, we shall have a d-d good laugh at his disappointment. [FAINWOULD drops his letter, which DIDDLER picks up unseen.] Ha, ha, ha! Capital go, isn't it?

Fain. [L.] Old Plainway will treat me becomingly, no doubt; and as he positively determined Fain. Ha, ha, ha! a very capital go, indeed. with my father that I should have his daughter, [Aside.] Here's disrespect. [Aloud.] But if the I presume she's prepared to treat me with proper cockney shouldn't be disposed to think of the respect too. affair quite so merrily as you?

Did. [R.] What! Plainway and his daughter! Here's a discovery! Then my Peggy, after all, is the beautiful maid at the foot of the hill, and the sly rogue wouldn't discover herself at the window on purpose to convict me of infidelity. How unlucky! and a rival arrived, too, just at the unfortunate crisis.

JOHN re-enters, R.

John. He'll be with you immediately, Mr. Fainwould. Crosses, and exit L. Did. Mr. Fainwould, eh! Now, what's to be done? If I could but get rid of him, I wouldn't despair of excusing myself to Peggy.

Did. Oh, the puppy! if he's refractory I'll pull his nose!

Fain. [aside.] Here's an impudent scoundrel! [Rises.] Well, I shall cheat 'em of their laugh by this meeting, however.

Did. [aside.] A shy cock, I see.

Fain. Oh, you'll pull his nose, will you?

Did. If he's troublesome, I shall certainly have that pleasure. Nothing I enjoy more than pulling noses.

Fain. [rising.] Sir, I wish you a good morning. Perhaps, sir, you may. [A knocking at the door which DIDDLER had locked, R.

Did. [aside.] Just in time, by Jupiter! Be Fain. I wonder what my father says in his let- quiet there. Dn that mastiff! Sir, I'm sorry ter of introduction. [Takes a letter out of his pocket. you're going so soon. [Knocking again, R.] Be Did. A letter of introduction! Oh, oh! the quiet, I say. Well, I wish you a good morning, first visit, then. Gad! I have it! It's the only sir! Then you won't stay and take a bit of dinway, so impudence befriend me! But first I'll ner?

lock the old gentleman out. [Goes cautiously, Fain. Perhaps, sir, I say, you may hear from and locks the door, R., whence the SERVANT came me again. out-then advances briskly to FAINWOULD.] Sir, your most obedient.

Fain. [L.] He here!

But

Did. [R.] So you've found me out, sir. I've sent you the money-three and four pence, wasn't it? Two and six and ten

Fain. Sir, I didn't mean

Did. No, sir, I dare say not-merely for a visit. Well, I'm very glad to see you. Won't you take a

seat?

Fain. And you live here, do you, sir?
Did. At present, sir, I do.

Fain. And is your name Plainway?
Did. No, sir, I'm Mr. Plainway's nephew. I'd
introduce you to my uncle, but he's very busy at

Did. Sir, I shall be extremely happy, I'm sure. [Exit FAINWOULD, L.] Bravo, Jeremy! admirably hit off! [Knocking repeated.] Now for the old gentleman. [Opens the door.

Enter PLAINWAY, R.

Plain. My dear Mr. Fainwould, I'm extremely happy to see you. I beg pardon for keeping you so long. Why, who the deuce could lock that door? Did. He, he, he! It was I, sir. Plain. [R.] You! why, what

Did. [L.] A bit of humor-to show you I determined to make free, and consider myself at home.

Plain. [aside.] A bit of humor! why, you must be an inveterate humorist, indeed, to begin so soon. [Aloud.] Well, come, that's merry and hearty.

Did. Yes, you'll find I've all that about me. Plain. Well, and how's my old friend, and all the rest of the family?

Did. Wonderfully well, my old buck. But here -here you have it all in black and white. [Gives the letter.

Plain. So, an introduction.

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Do, my dear lady, be merciful. But perhaps it is in mercy that you thus avert from me the killing lustre of those piercing eyes.

Did. [aside.] It's rather unlucky I don't know Bravo! Mr. Fainwould; you'll not be long an Plain. [aside.] Well done, timidity. [To him.] a little more of my family. [Struts familiarly about. unsuccessful wooer, I see. Well, my cousin's comPlain. [reads.] "This will at length introduce ing to see you the moment she's a little composed. to you your son-in-law. I hope he will prove [Crosses, c.] Why, Peg, I fancy the old fool has agreeable both to you and your daughter. His been gaping out at window to some purpose at late military habits, I think, have much improved last. I verily believe somebody, either in jest or his appearance, and perhaps you will already dis- in earnest, has really been writing her a billetcern something of the officer about him." Something of the officer-[looking at him] dam'me, it doux, for I caught her quite in a fluster, reading a letter, and the moment she saw me she grapdelicately, and, above all, avoid raillery with him." pled it up, and her cheeks turned as red as her So, then, I suppose, though he can give a joke,¦ he can't take one. "It is apt to make him un- here's the riddle unfolded. Curse my blind eyes, Did. [much disconcerted. Aside.] Oh, Lord' happy, as he alway thinks it leveled at that stiff- what a scrape they've brought me into! A fusty ness in his manners arising from his extreme old maid, I suppose. What the devil shall I do? timidity and bashfulness! Assure Peggy of the I must humor the blunder, or she'll discover cordial affection of her intended father, and your me. faithful friend, FRAS. FAINWOULD."

must be a sheriff's officer then. "Treat him

A very pretty introduction, truly.

Did. But where is my charming Peggy? I say, couldn't I have a little private conversation to begin with?

Plain. Why, I must introduce you, you know—
I desired her to follow me. Oh, here she comes.
Did. [aside.] Now if she should fall in a pas-
sion and discover me.

Enter PEGGY, R.
Plain. My dear, this is Mr. Fainwould.
Did. Madame, your most devoted.

[She screams-he supports her.
Peg. [in a low tone.] Mortimer!
Did. aside to her.] Hush! don't be astonished
-you see what I am at-keep it up.

Plain. What ails the girl? Oh, I see, she's at her romance again. Mr. Fainwould, try if you can't bring her about, while I go and fetch my cousin Laury to you. [Exit L.

Did. No fear, sir; she is coming about. My dear Peggy! after an age of fruitless search, do I again hold you in these arms?

Peg. Cruel man! how could you torment me with so long an absence and so long a silence? I've written to you a thousand times.

Did. A thousand unlucky accidents have prevented my receiving your letters, and your address I most fatally lost not an hour after you gave it to me.

Peg. And how did you find it out at last? Did. By an accidental rencontre with my rival. I've hummed him famously, frightened him away from the house, contrived to get his letter of recommendation, and presented myself in his stead. Peg. It is enough to know that you are again mine; and now we'll never part.

Did. Never, if I can help it, I assure you. Peg. Lord, Mortimer, what a change there is in your dress.

Did. Eh? yes I've dressed so on purposerather in the extreme, perhaps, but I thought it would look my vulgar rival better.

nose.

Pain. Here she comes.

Did. [aside.] Oh, Lord! Oh, Lord!

Enter MISS DUrable, L.

Miss

Plain. Mr. Fainwould, Miss Durable. Durable, Mr. Fain would. [MISS DURABLE screams and seems much agitated.

Did. [advancing to her.] My dear lady, what's the matter? [Aside to her.] Don't be astonished. You see what I'm at-keep it up.

[Continues whispering to her. Plain. Why, what the devil? This fellow frightens my whole family. It must be his officerlike appearance, I suppose.

Peg. [aside.] Well, I declare, Laurelia means to fall in love with him and supplant me.

Miss D. [aside to DIDDLER.] Oh, you're a bold, adventurous man.

Did. [to her.] Yes, I'm a very bold, adventurous man, but love, madame—

Miss D. Hush!

Plain. Why, Fainwould, you seem to make some impression upon the ladies.

Did. Not a very favorable one, it would seem, sir.

Miss D. I beg Mr. Fainwould's pardon, I'm sure. It was merely a slight indisposition that seized me.

Plain. Oh! a slight indisposition, was it? Peg. [aside.] Yes, I see she's throwing out her lures.

Did. Will you allow me, madame, to lead you to the air? Miss Durable, here's the other arm at your service.

Miss D. [taking it.] Dear sir, you're extremely obliging.

Did. Don't say so, madame; the obligation is mine. [Nodding.] Plainway, you see what a way I'm in. [Exeunt DIDDLER, PEGGY and MISS DURABLE.

Plain. Bashfulness! Dam'me if ever I saw such an impudent dog! [Exit L.

ACT II.

SCENE I.-The Inn.

Enter FAINWOULD and RICHARD, L.

And so the

Fain. In short, I never met with such disrespectful treatment since I was born. rascal's name is Diddler, is it?

Rich. So I heard the waiters call him. Fain. As to the disappointment, Richard, it's a very fortunate one for me; for it must be a scrubby family indeed, when one of its branches is forced to have recourse to such low practices. But to be treated with such contempt! Why am I to be laughed at everywhere?

Rich. If I was you, sir, I'd put that question where it's fit it should be answered.

Fain. And so I will, Richard. If I don't go back and kick up such a bobbery-I warrant I'llWhy, he called me a vulgar, conceited, foolish cockney.

Rich. No, sure?

Fain. Yes, but he did-and what a fool my father must have been, not to see through such a set-a low-bred rascal, with his three and four pence. But if I don't-I'll take your advice, Richard I'll hire a post-chaise directly, drive to the house, expose that Mr. Diddler, blow up all the rest of the family, Sir Robert Rental included, and then set off for London, and turn my back upon 'em forever. [Exeunt R.

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Plain. Well, well, cousin, then we'll hear you by and by; there's no hurry, I'm sure. Come, Mr. Fainwould, your glass is empty.

Miss D. Peggy, my love.

[They rise to retire. Exit Miss Durable, R. Plain. Peg, here, come back; I want to speak with you.

Peg. [returns.] Well, papa.

Plain. Mr. Fainwould, [they rise] you know I told you of a billet-doux that old Laury had received?

Peg. Yes, sir.

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Pain. Yes; I have it in my pocket-one of the I'll read richest compositions you ever beheld. it to you.

Did. [aside.] How unlucky! Now if she sees it, she'll know the hand.

Plain. [reads.] "To the beautiful maid at the foot of the hill." Ha, ha, ha!

Did. and Peg. Ha, ha, ha! [DIDDLER crosses, and endeavors to keep PEGGY from overlooking PLAINWAY while he reads.

Plain. "Most celestial of terrestrial beings! I have received a wound from your eyes which baffles all surgical skill. The smile of her who gave it is the only balsam that can save it. Let ine, therefore, supplicate admittance to your presence to-morrow, to know at once if I may

Enter SAM, with a letter, followed by MESSENGER. live or die. Sam. Why, but what for do you bring it here?"That, if I'm to live, I may live your fond lover: And, if I'm to die, I may get it soon over. Mes. Why, because it says, to be delivered with "ADONIS." all possible speed. I know he comes here sometimes, and most likely won't be at home till night. concerted.] Why, this Adonis must be about as [They all laugh. DIDDLER appears much disSam. Well, if I see him, I'll gi't to him. Most likely he'll be here by and by. great a fool as his mistress. Eh, sir? Ha, ha, ha!

[Exit R.

Mes. Then I'll leave it. Sam. "Mr. Jeremiah Diddler." Dang it, what a fine seal; and I'll be shot if it don't feel like a bank-note. To be delivered wi' all possible speed, too-I shouldn't wonder, now, if it brought him some good luck. Ha, ha, ha! wi' all my heart. He's a dd droll dog, and I like him vastly. [Exit L. SCENE II.—A Room in PLAINWAY's House. Four chairs. Wine, with glasses and dessert, on a table. PLAINWAY, C., DIDDLER, L., Peggy, L., and MISS DURABLE, R., discovered at table. Plain. Bravo! bravo! Ha, ha, ha! [They laugh. Miss D. Upon my word, Mr. Fainwould, you sing delightfully; you surely have had some practice!

Did. A little, madame.

Miss D. Well, I think it must be a very desirable accomplishment, if it were only for your own entertainment.

Did. It is in that respect, madame, that I have hitherto found it most particularly desirable. Miss D. But surely the pleasure of pleasing your hearers-

Did. I now find to be the highest gratification it can bestow, except that of giving me a claim to a return in kind from you. [Aside to PEGGY.] I lay it on thick, don't I?

Miss D. You really must excuse me; I can't perform to my satisfaction without the assistance of an instrument.

Did. Yes, sir. He, he, he! [Aside.] They've found me out, and this is a quiz. [Crosses L. that wants her money. Ha, ha, ha! Peg. Or more likely some poor knave, papa,

Plain. Ha, ha, ha! Or, perhaps, a compound of both-eh, sir?

Did. Very likely, sir. He, he, he! [Aside.] They're at me.

Plain. But we must laugh her out of the connection and disappoint the rogue, however; though, I dare say, he little thought to create so much merriment so short-sighted is roguery.

Did. [aside.] Short-sighted! it's all up, to a certainty.

Plain. So she's returning, impatient of being left alone, I suppose. Now we'll smoke her. Did. [aside. I'll join the laugh, at all events. Enter MISS DURABLE, R. Miss D. Bless me-why, I'm quite forsaken among you all.

Pain. Forsaken, my dear cousin! it's only for age and ugliness to talk of being forsaken; not for a beautiful maid like you the most celestial of terrestrial beings! [All laugh. Miss D. [aside.] I'm astonished—he laughing

too!

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