Charles S. Not a mole-hill, nor a twig, but what's in the bough-pots Sir Oliver S. Nor any stock, I pre Charles S. Pshaw! have done,--Sir, Sir Oliver S. Well-but what secumy friend Moses is a very honest rity could you give? You have no fellow, but a little slow at expression: land, I suppose? he'll be an hour giving us our titles. Mr. Premium, the plain state of the matter is this: I am an extravagant out of the window! fellow who wants to borrow young money-you I take to be a prudent sume? old fellow, who have got money to Charles S. Nothing but live stock lend. I am blockhead enough to give-and that's only a few pointers and fifty per cent. sooner than not have ponies. But pray, Mr. Premium, are it; and you, I presume, are rogue you acquainted at all with any of my enough to take a hundred if you can get it. Now, sir, you see we are acquainted at once, and may proceed to business without farther ceremony. connexions? Sir Oliver S. Why, to say truth, I am. Charles S. Then you must know that I have a dev'lish rich uncle in the East Indies, Sir Oliver Surface, from Sir Oliver S. Exceeding frank, upon whom I have the greatest expectamy word. -I see, sir, you are not a tions? man of many compliments. Charles S. Oh no, sir! plain dealing in business I always think best. Sir Oliver S. That you have a wealthy uncle I have heard; but how your expectations will turn out is more, I Sir Oliver S. Sir, I like you the better believe, than you can tell. for it-however, you are mistaken in Charles S. O no! - there can be no one thing; I have no money to lend, doubt. They tell me I'm a prodigious but I believe I could procure some of favourite, and that he talks of leaving a friend; but then he's an uncon-me every thing. I should be very sorry to hear that any thing had happened to him. I Sir Oliver S. Not more than I should, assure you. But the bond you mention happens to be just the worst security you could offer me for I might live to a hundred, and never see the principal. Charles S. O yes, you would—the moment Sir Oliver dies, you know, you would come on me for the money. Sir Oliver S. Then I believe I should be the most unwelcome dun you ever hrad in your life. Charles S. What! I suppose you're afraid that Sir Oliver is too good a life? Sir Oliver S. No, indeed, I am not; though I have heard he is as hale and healthy as any man of his years in christendom. better than you whether he's come or not. No, no, rely on't he's at this moment at Calcutta-isn't he, Moses? Moses. O yes, certainly. Sir Oliver S. Very true, as you say, you must know better than I, though I have it from pretty good authority -haven't I, Moses? Moses. Yes, most undoubted! Sir Oliver S. But,sir, as I understand you want a few hundreds immediately—is there nothing you could dispose of? Charles S. How do you mean? Sir Oliver S. For instance, now, I have heard that your father left behind him a great quantity of massy old plate? that's gone Charles S. O Lud! long ago. Moses can tell you how better than I can. Charles S. There again now you are misinformed. No, no, the climate has Sir Oliver S. Good lack! all the famihurt him considerably, poor uncle ly race cups and corporation bowls! Oliver! Yes, yes, he breaks apace, I'm-[Aside.] Then it was also supposed told-and is so much altered lately, that his library was one of the most that his nearest relations don't know valuable and compact him. Charles S.Yes, yes, so it was-vastly Sir Oliver S. No! ha! ha! so much too much so for a private gentleman. altered lately, that his nearest rela- For my part, I was always of a comtions don't know him! ha! ha! ha! municative disposition, so I thought Charles S. Ha! ha!—you're glad to it a shame to keep so much knowledge hear that, little Premium? to myself. Sir Oliver S.Mercy upon me! Learning that had run in the family like an heir loom! [Aside.] Pray, what are become of the books? Charles S. You must inquire of the auctioneer, Master Premium, for I don't believe even Moses can direct Charles S. Pshaw! Sure I must know you. Moses. I know nothing of books. Sir Oliver S. So, so, nothing of the family property left, I suppose? Charles S. Not much, indeed; unless you have a mind to the family pictures.I have got a room full of ancestors above, and if you have a taste for paintings, egad, you shall have 'em a bargain. Charles S. No, he may do that afterwards, if he pleases. Stay, Careless, we want you: egad, you shall be auctioneer; so come along with us. Careless. Oh, have with you, if that's the case. Handle a hammer as well as a dice-box! Sir Oliver S. Oh, the profligates! [Aside.] Charles S. Come, Moses, you shall Sir Oliver S. Hey! what the devil! sure, you wouldn't sell your forefa-be appraiser, if we want one. Gad's thers, would you? life, little Premium, you don't seem to Charles S. Every man of them to the like the business? best bidder. Sir Oliver S. O yes, I do, vastly. Ha! [Aside. Sir Oliver S. What! your great ha! ha! yes, yes, I think it a rare joke uncles and aunts? to sell one's family by auction ha! Charles S. Ay, and my great grand-ha!-O the prodigal! fathers and grandmothers too. Charles S. To be sure! when a man Sir Oliver S. Now I give him up. wants money, where the plague [Aside.] What the plague, have you should he get assistance if he can't no bowels for your own kindred? make free with his own relations? Odd's life, do you take me for Shylock in the play, that you would raise money of me on your own flesh and blood? Charles S. Nay, my little broker, don't be angry; what need you care if you have your money's worth? ACT IV. SCENE I. [Exeunt. Picture Room at Charles's Enter CHARLES SURFACE, Sir OLIVER SURFACE, MOSES, and CARELESS. Charles S. Walk in,gentlemen, pray walk in ;-here they are, the family of the Surfaces, up to the Conquest. Sir Oliver S. And, in my opinion, [Aside. a goodly collection. Sir Oliver S. Well, I'll be the purchaser: I think I can dispose of the family canvass. Oh, I'll never forgive him this! never! Enter CARELESS. Careless. Come, Charles, what keeps you? Charles S. Ay, ay, these are done in the true spirit of portrait painting; no volontier grace and expression. Charles S. I can't come yet: i'faith Not like the works of your modern we are going to have a sale above Raphaels, who give you the strongest stairs; here's little Premium will buy resemblance, yet contrives to make all my ancestors. your portrait independent of you; so that you may sink the original and Careless. O, burn your ancestors! ness not hurt the picture.-No, no; the here's my great uncle, Sir Richard merit of these is the inveterate like- Raveline, a marvellous good general all stiff and awkward as the in his day, I assure you. He served in originals, and like nothing in human all the Duke of Marlborough's wars, nature besides. and got that cut over his eye at the Sir Oliver S. Ah! we shall never battle of Malplaquet.-What say you, see such figures of men again. Mr.Premium?-look at him—there's Charles S. I hope not.-Well, you a hero, not cut out of his feathers, as see, master Premiuin, what a domes- your modern clipt captains are, but tic character I am; here I sit of an enveloped in wig und regimentals,as a evening surrounded by my family.-general should be:-What do you bid? But, come, get to your pulpit, Mr. Moses. Mr. Premium would have Auctioneer; here's an old gouty chair you speak. of my father's will answer the purpose. Charles S. Why, then, he shall have him for ten pounds, and I'm sure Careless. Ay, ay, this will do.—that's not dear for a staff-officer. But, Charles, I hav'n't a hammer; and Sir Oliver S. Heaven deliver me! what's an auctioneer without his his famous uncle Richard for ten hammer? pounds! [Aside.]-Well, sir, I take Charles S. Egad, that's true;-him at that. what parchment have we here?-0, Charles S. Careless, knock down our genealogy in full. Here, Careless, my uncle Richard.-Here, now, is a -you shall have no common bit of maiden sister of his, my great aunt mahogany, here's the family tree for Deborah, done by Kneller, thought to you, you rogue,—this shall be your be in his best manner, and a very forhammer, and now you may knock midable likeness.-There she is, you down my ancestors with their own see, a shepherdess feeding her flock. pedigree. Sir Oliver S. What an unnatural rogue!-an ex post facto parricide! You shall have her for five pounds ten-the sheep are worth the money. Sir Oliver S. Ah! poor Deborah! a [Aside. woman who set such a value on Careless. Yes, yes, here's a bit of herself! [Aside]-Five pounds ten your generation indeed; - faith,-she's mine. Charles, this is the most convenient Charles S. Knock down my aunt thing you could have found for the Deborah !-Here, now, are two that business, for 'twill serve not only as a were a sort of cousins of theirs. You hammer, but a catalogue into the see, Moses, these pictures were done bargain. Come, begin-A-going, a-going, a-going! Charles S. Bravo, Careless!-Well, some time ago, when beaux wore wigs, and the ladies their own hair. Sir Oliver S. Yes, truly, head-dres ses appear to have been a little lower in those days. Sir Oliver S. They're mine. Charles S. Well, take that couple for the mayor and aldermen. the same. Moses. 'Tis good bargain. Charles S. Careless!-This, now, is a grandfather of my mother's, a learned judge, well known on the western circuit.—What do you rate him at, Moses? Moses. Four guineas. Charles S. Four guineas! Gad's life, you don't bid me the price of his wig.-Mr. Premium, you have more respect for the woolsack; do let us knock his lordship down at fifteen. Sir Oliver S. By all means. Careless. Gone! But plague on't, we shall be all day retailing in this manner; do let us deal wholesale: what say you, little Premium? Give us three hundred pounds for the rest of the family in the lump. Careless. Ay, ay, that will be the best way. Sir Oliver S. Well, well, any thing to accommodate you; they are mine. But there is one portrait which you have always passed over. Careles S.What, that ill-looking little fellow over the settee? Sir Oliver S. Yes, sir, I mean that, though I don't think him so ill-look Charles S. And there are two bro-ing a little fellow, by any means. thers of his, William and WalterBlunt, Charles S. What, that?-Oh! that's Esquires, both members of parlia-my uncle Oliver; 'twas done before ment, and noted speakers, and what's he went to India. very extraordinary, I believe, this is Careless. Your uncle Oliver!-Gad, the first time they were ever bought then you'll never be friends, Charles. or sold. That, now, to me, is as stern a looking S Oliver S. That is very extraor-rogue as ever I saw; an unforgiving dinary, indeed! I'll take them at your eye, and a damned disinheriting own price, for the honour of parlia-countenance! an inveterate knave,depend on't. Don't you think so, little ment, Careless. Well said, little Premium! Premium? -I'll knock them down at forty. Charles S. Here's a jolly fellow-I don't know what relation, but he was mayor of Manchester: take him at eight pounds. Sir Oliver S. Upon my soul, sir, I do not; I think it is as honest a looking face as any in the room, dead or alive; but I suppose uncle Oliver goes with the rest of the lumber? Sir Oliver S. No, no ; six will do for Charles S. No, hang it; I'll not part the mayor. with poor Noll. The old fellow has Charles S. Come, make it guineas, been very good to me, and, egad, I'll and I'll throw you the two aldermen keep his picture while I've a room to there into the bargain. put it in. |
