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SERE STOOPS TO CONQUERS
THE MISTAKES OF A NIGHT.
AS ACTED AT THE THEATRE-ROYAL, COVENT-GARDEN.
I am undone, that's all-shall lose my bread
I'd rather, but that's nothing-lose my head. TO SAMUEL JOHNSON, L L D.
When the sweet maid is laid upon the bier, DEAR SIR,
Shuter and I shall be chief mourners here. By inscribing this slight performance to you, I To her a mawkish drab of spurious breed, do not mean so much to compliment you as myself. Who deals in sentimentals, will succeed! It may do me some honour to inform the public, Poor Ned and I are dead to all intents ; thai I have lived many years in intimacy with you. We can as soon speak Greek as sentiments ! It may serve the interests of mankind also to in- Both nervous grown, to keep our spirits up, form them, that the greatest wit may be found in We now and then take down a hearty cup. a character without impairing the most unaffected What shall we do ?-1f Comedy forsake us, piety.
They'll turn us out, and no one else will take us. I have, particularly, reason to thank you for But why can't I be moral ?—Let me tryyour partiality to this performance. The under- My heart thus pressing—fix'd my face and eyetaking a Comedy, not merely sentimental, was with a sententious look that nothing means, very dangerous; and Mr. Colman, who saw this (Faces are blocks in sentimental scenes) piece in its various stages, always thought it so. Thus I begin—"All is not gold that glitters; However, I ventured to trust it to the public; and, Pleasures seem sweet, but prove a glass of bitters, though it was necessarily delayed till late in the When ign’rance enters, folly is at hand : season, I have every reason to be grateful. Learning is better far than house or land. I am, Dear Sir,
Let not your virtue trip; who trips may stumble
And virtue is not virtue if she tumble.”
I give it up--morals won't do for me;
One hope remains-hearing the maid was ill,
A Doctor comes this night to show his skill.
To cheer her heart, and give your muscles motion, BY DAVID GARRICK, ESQ.
He, in five draughts prepared, presents a potion: Enter MR. WOODWARD, dressed in black, and holding a A kind of magic charm—for be assured, handkerchief to his eyes.
If you will swallow it the maid is cured; Excuse me, sirs, I pray,- I can't yet speak,- But desperate the Doctor, and her case is, I'm crying now—and have been all the week, If you reject the dose, and make wry faces ! “'Tis not alone this mourning suit,” good masters: This truth he boasts, will boast it while he lives, " I've that within"- for which there are no plasters! No pois' nous drugs are mix'd in what he gives. Pray, would you know the reason why I'm crying ? Should he succeed, you'll give him his degree; The Comic Muse, long sick, is now a-dying ! If not, within he will receive no fee! And if she goes, my tears will never stop; The college, you, must his pretensions back, For, as a player, I can't squeeze out one drop: Pronounce him Regular, or dub him Quack.
|I'm not so old as you'd make me, by more than ono DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.
good year. Add twenty to twenty, and make mo
ney of that.
Hardcastle. Let me see: twenty added to twen
MR. SHUTER. was but twenty when I was brought to bed of To
MR. DUBellamy.ny, that I had by Mr. Lumpkin, my first husband; TONY LUMPKIN
MR. Quick. and he's not come to years of discretion yet. DIGGORY
MR, SAUNDERS. Hardcastle. Nor ever will, I dare answer for him.
Ay, you have taught him finely.
Mrs. Hardcastle. No matter. Tony Lumpkin Mas. HARDCASTLE
has a good fortune. My son is not to live by his Miss HARDCASTLE
learning. I don't think a boy wants much leamMiss Neville
ing to spend fifteen hundred a-year. MAID
Hardcastle. Learning quotha! a mere composi-
tion of tricks and mischief.
Mrs. Hardcastle. Humour, my dear, nothing but
humour. Come, Mr. Hardcastle, you must allow SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER; the boy a little humour.
Hardcastle. I'd sooner alluw him a horsepond.
If burning the footman's shoes, frightening the
maids, and worrying the kittens be humour, he has
it. It was but yesterday he fastened my wig to the SCENE-A CHAMBER IN AN OLD-FASHIONED HOUSE. back of my chair, and when I went to make a bow,
I popped my bald head in Mrs. Frizzle's face. Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE and MR. HARDCASTLE.
Mrs. Hardcastle. And am I to blame? The Mrs. Hardcastle. I vow, Mr. Hardcastle, you're poor boy was always too sickly to do any good. A very particular. Is there a creature in the whole school would be his death. When he comes to be a country but ourselves, that does not take a trip to little stronger, who knows what a year or two's town now and then, to rub off the rust a little ? Latin may do for him? There's the two Miss Hoggs, and our neighbour Hardcastle. Latin for him! A cat and fiddle. Mrs. Grigsby, go to take a month's polishing every No, no; the alehouse and the stable are the only winter.
schools he'll ever go to. Hardcastle. Ay, and bring back vanity and affec- Mrs. Hardcastle. Well, we must not snub the tation to last them the whole year. I wonder why poor boy now, for I believe we shan't have him long London can not keep its own fools at home! In among us. Any body that looks in his face may see my time, the follies of the town crept siowly among he's consumptive. us, but now they travel faster than a stage-coach. Hardcastle. Ay, if growing too fat be one of the Its fopperies come down not only as inside passen- symptoms. gers, but in the very basket.
Mrs. Hardcastle. He coughs sometimes. Mrs. Hardcastle. Ay, your times were fine times Hardcastle. Yes, when his liquor goes the wrong indeed ; you have been telling us of them for many way. a long year. Here we live in an old rumbling Mrs. Hardcastle. I'm actually afraid of his lungs. mansion, that looks for all the world like an inn, Hardcastle. And truly so am I; for he somebut that we never see company. Our best visiters times whoops like a speaking trumpet – Tony hab are old Mrs. Oddfish, the curate's wife, and little looing behind the scenes)-0, there he goes a C:ipplegate, the lame dancing-master: and all our very consumptive figure, truly. entertainment your old stories of Prince Eugene
Enter TONY, crossing the stage and the Duke of Marlborough. I hate such oldfashioned trumpery.
Mrs. Hardcastle. Tony, where are you going, my Hardcastle. And I love it. I love every thing charmer? Won't you give papa and I a little of that's old; old friends, old times, old manners, old your company, lovey? books, old wines; and, I believe, Dorothy, (taking Tony. I'm in haste, mother; I can not stay. lier hand) you'll own I have been pretty fond of an Mrs. Hardcastle. You shan't venture out this old wife.
raw evening, my dear; you look most shockingly. Mrs. Hardcastle. Lord, Mr. Hardcastle, you're Tony. I can't stay, I tell you. The Threo for over at your Dorothys and your old wives. You Pigeons expects me down overy moment. There's may be a Darby, but I'll be no Joan, I promise you. some fun going forward.
Hardcastie. Ay; the ale house, the old place; I control your choice; but Mr. Marlow, whom I have thought so.
pitched upon, is the son of my old friend, Sir Mrs. Hardcastle. A low, paltry set of fellows. Charles Marlow, of whom you have heard mo
Tony. Not so low neither. There's Dick Mug- talk so often. The young gentleman has been gins the exciseman, Jack Slang the horse doctor, i bred a scholar, and is designed for an employment little Aminidab that grinds the music box, and in the service of his country. I am told he's a Tom Twist that spins the pewter platter. man of an excellent understanding.
Mrs. Hardcastle. Pray, my dear, disappoint Miss Hardcastle. Is he? them for one night at least.
Hardcastle. Very generous. Tony. As for disappointing them, I should not Miss Hardcastle. I believe I shall like him. 60 much mind; but I can't abide to disappoint Hardcastle. Young and brave. myself.
Miss Hardcastle. I'm sure I shall like hiin. Mrs. Hardcastle [detaining him). You shan't Hardcastle. And very handsome. go.
Miss Hardcastle. My dear papa, say no more, Tony, I will, I tell you.
(kissing his hand] he's mine; l'll have him. Mrs. Hardcastle. I say you shan't.
Hardcastle. And to crown all, Kate, he's one of Tony. We'll see which is strongest, you or I. the most bashful and reserved young fellows in all
(Esit, hauling her out. the world. Hardcastle (alone). Ay, there goes a pair that Miss Hardcastle. Eh! you have frozen me to only spoil each other. But is not the whole age in death again. That word reserved has undone all a combination to drive sense and discretion out of the rest of his accomplishments. A reserved lover, doors? There's my pretty darling Kate ! the fash- it is said, always makes a suspicious husband. lons of the times have almost infected her too. By Hardcastle. On the contrary, modesty seldom living a year or two in town, she's as fond of gauze resides in a breast that is not enriched with nobler and French frippery as the best of them. virtues. It was the very feature in his character
that first struck me. Enter MISS HARDCASTLE.
Miss Hardcastle. He must have more striking
features to catch me, I promise you. However, if Hardcastle. Blessings on my pretty innocence ! he be so young, so handsome, and so every thing dressed out as usual, my Kate. Goodness! What as you mention, I believe he'll do still. I think I'll a quantity of superfluous silk hast thou got about have him. thee, girl! I could never teach the fools of this age, Hardcastle. Ay, Kate, but there is still an obthat the indigent world could be clothed out of the stacle. It's more than an even wager he may not trimmings of the vain.
Miss Hardcastle. You know our agreement, sir. Miss Hardenstle. My dear papa, why will you You allow me the morning to receive and pay mortify one so? Well, if he refuses, instead of breakvisits, and to dress in my own manner; and in the ing my heart at his indifference, I'll only break my evening I put on my housewife's dress to please glass for its flattery, set my cap to some newer you.
fashion, and look out for some less difficult admirer. Hardcastle. Well, remember I insist on the Hardcastle. Bravely resolved! In the mean time terms of our agreement; and by the by, I believe I'll go prepare the servants for his reception: as we shall have occasion to try your obedience this very seldom see company, they want as much training evening.
as a company of recruits the first day's muster. Miss Hardcastle. I protest, sir, 1 don't compre
[Erit. hend your meaning.
Miss Hardcastle (alone). Lud, this news of Hardcastle. Then to be plain with you, Kate, 1 papa's puts me all in a flutter. Young, handsome; expect the young gentleman I have chosen to be these he put last; but I put them foremost. Senyour husband from town this very day. I have his sible, good natured; I like all that. But then refather's letter, in which he informs me his son is served and sheepish, that's much against him. Yet set out, and that he intends to follow himself shortly can't he be cured' of his timidity, by being taught after.
to be proud of his wife? Yes; and cant 1-But I Miss Hardcastle. Indeed! I wish I had known vow I'm disposing of the husband before I have sesomething of this before. Bless me, how shall I cured the lover. behave? It's a thousand to one I shan't like him;
Enter MISS NEVILLE. our meeting will be so formal, and so like a thing of business, that I shall find no room for friendship Miss Hardcastle. I'm glad you're come, No or esteem.
ville, my dear. Tell me, Constance, how do I look Hardcastle. Depend upon it, child, I never will this evening? Is there any thing whimsical about
for a song
me ? Is it one of my well-looking days, child? Am 1 in face to-day?
SCENE-AN ALEHOUSE ROOM, Miss Neville. Perfectly, my dear. Yet now I
Several shabby Fellows with punch and tobacco. TONY look again-bless me!--sure no accident has hap
the head of the table, a little higher than the rest, a maller pened among the canary birds or the gold fishes.
in his hand. Has your brother or the cat been meddling ? or has the las ovel been too moving?
Omnes. Hurrea! hurrea! hurrea! bravo! Miss Hardcastle. No; nothing of all this. I
First Fellow. Now, gentlemen, silence for a nave been threatened—I can scarce get it out-1 song. The 'Squire is going to knock himself down have been threatened with a lover. Miss Nerille. And his name
Omnes. Ay, a song, a song! Miss Hardcastle. Is Marlow.
Tony. Then I'll sing you, gentlemen, a song I Miss Neville. Indeed!
made upon this alehouse, the Three Pigeons. Miss Hardcastle. The son of Sir Charles Marlow.
SONG. Miss Neville. As I live, the most intimate friend Let schoolmasters puzzle their brain, of Mr. Hastings, my admirer. They are never asunder. I believe you must have seen him when Good liquor, I stoutly maintain,
With grammar, and nonsense, and learning, we lived in town.
Gives genus a better discerning. Miss Hardcastle. Never.
Let them brag of their heathenish gods, Miss Nevillc. He's a very singular character, I
Their Lethes, their Styxes, and Stygians, assure you. Among women of reputation and Their quis, and their quæs, and their quods, virtue he is the modestest man alive; but his ac
They're all but a parcel of pigeons. quaintance give him a very different character
Tcraddle, toroddle, toroll. among creatures of another stamp: you understand
When methodist preachers come down, Miss Hardcastle. An odd character indeed. I A-preaching that drinking is sinful, shall never be able to manage him. What shall I I'll wager the rascals a crown, do? Pshaw, think no inore of him, but trust to oc- They always preach best with a skinful. currences for success. But how goes on your own But when you come down with your pence, aflair, my dear? has my mother been courting you For a slice of their scurvy religion, for my brother Tony as usual?
I'll leave it to all men of sense, Miss Neville. I have just come from one of our But you, my good friend, are the pigeon. agreeable tête-à-têtes. She has been saying a hun
Toroddle, toroddle, toroll. dred tender things, and setting off her pretty mon- Then come put the jorum about, ster as the very pink of perfection. Miss Hardcastle. And her partiality is such, Our hearts and our liquors are stout,
And let us be merry and clever, that she actually thinks him so. A fortune like
Here's the Three Jolly Pigeons for ever. yours is no small temptation. Besides, as she has
Let some cry up woodcock or hare, the sole management of it, I'm not surprised to see
Your bustarde, your ducks, and your widgeons; her unwilling to let it go out of the family.
But of all the gay birds in the air, Miss Neville. A fortune like mine, which chiefly
Here's a health to the Three Jolly Pigeons. consists in jewels, is no such mighty temptation.
Toroddle, toroddle, toroll. But, at any rate, if my dear Hastings be but constant, I make no doubt to be too hard for her at Omnes. Bravo ! hravo! last. However, I let her suppose that I am in love First Fellow. The 'Squire has got spunk in with her son; and she never once dreams that my him. affections are fixed upon another.
Second Fellow. I loves to hear him sing, bekeays Miss Hardcastle. My good brother holds out he never gives us nothing that's low. stoutly. I could almost love him for hating you so. Third Fellow. O damn any thing that's low, I
Miss Neville. It is a good-natured crcature at can not bear it. bottom, and I'm sure would wish to see me married Fourth Fellow. The genteel thing is the gen: to any body but himself. But my aunt's bell rings teel thing at any time: if so be that a gentleman for our afternoon's walk round the improvements. bees in a concatenation accordingly. Allons! Courage is recessary, as our affairs are Third Fellow, I like the maxum of it, Master critical.
Muggins. What, though I am obligated to dance Miss Hardcastle. "Would it were bed-time, and a bear, a man may be a gentleman for all that all were well."
Excunt. May this be my poison, if my bear ever dances but
to the very genteelest of tunes ; “Water Parted," and often stand the chance of an unmannerly anor “ The minuet in Ariadne."
Second Fellow. What a pity it is the 'Squire is Hastings. At present, however, we are not likely not come to his own. It would be well for all the to receive any answer. publicans within ten miles round of him.
Tony. No offence, gentlemen. But I'm told Tony. Ecod, and so it would, Master Slang. you have been inquiring for one Mr. Hardcastle in I'd then show what it was to keep choice of com- these parts. Do you know what part of the counpany.
try you are in ? Second Felloro. O he takes after his own father Hastings. Not in the least, sir, but should thank for that. To be sure old 'Squire Lumpkin was the you for information. finest gentleman I ever set my eyes on. For wind- Tony. Nor the way you came? ing the straight horn, or beating a thicket for a Hastings. No, sir; but if you can inform ushare, or a wench, he never had his fellow. It was Tony. Why, gentlemen, if you know neither a saying in the place, that he kept the best horses, the road you are going, nor where you are, nor the dogs, and girls, in the whole county.
road you came, the first thing I have to inform you Tony. Ecod, and when I'm of age, I'll be no is, that—you have lost your way. bastard, I promise you. I have been thinking of Marlow. We wanted no ghost to tell us that. Bet Bouncer and the miller's gray mare to begin Tony. Pray, gentlemen, may I be so bold as to with. But come, my boys, drink about and be ask the place from whence you came ? merry, for you pay no reckoning. Well
, Stingo, Marlono. That's not necessary towards directing what's the matter?
us where we are to go.
Tony. No offence; but question for question is Enter LANDLORD.
all fair, you know.–Pray, gentlemen, is not this
same Hardcastle a cross-grained, old-fashioned, Landlord. There two gentlemen in a post-whimsical fellow, with an ugly face, a daughter, chaise at the door. They have lost their way upo' and a pretty son ? the forest ; and they are talking something about Hastings. We have not seen the gentleman; Mr. Hardcastle.
but he has the family you mention. Tony. As sure as can be, one of them must be Tony. The daughter, a tall, trapesing, trollopthe gentleman that's coming down to court my sis-ing, talkative maypole—the son, a pretty, wellter. Do they seem to be Londoners ?
bred, agreeable youth, that every body is fond of ? Landlord. I believe they may. They look Marlow. Our information differs in this. The woundily like Frenchmen.
daughter is said to be well-bred, and beautiful; the Tony. Then desire them to step this way, and son an awkward booby, reared up and spoiled at I'll set them right in a twinkling. [Exit Land- his mother's apron-string. lord.) Gentlemen, as they mayn't be good enough Tony. He-he-hem!—Then, gentlemen, all I company for you, step down for a moment, and I'll have to tell you is, that you won't reach Mr. Hardbe with you in the squeezing of a lemon. castle's house this night, I believe.
(Exeunt Mob. Hastings. Unfortunate! Tony. (alone.) Father-in-law has been calling Tony. It's a damned long, dark, boggy, dirty, me whelp and hound this half-year. Now if I dangerous way. Stingo, tell the gentlemen the pleased, I could be so revenged upon the old grum- way to Mr. Hardcastle's! [Winking upon the bletonian. But then I'm afraid-afraid of what? | Landlord.] Mr. Hardcastle's, of Quagmire Marsh, I shall soon be worth fifteen hundred a-year, and you understand me. let him frighten me out of that if he can.
Landlord. Master Hardcastle's! Lack-a-daisy,
my masters, you're come a deadly deal wrong! Enter LANDLORD, conducting MARLOW and
When you came to the bottom of the hill, you HASTINGS.
should have crossed down Squash-Lane.
Marlow. Cross down Squash Lane! Marlow. What a tedious uncomfortable day Landlord. Then you were to keep straight forhave we had of it! We were told it was but forty ward, till you came to four roads. miles across the country, and we have come above Marlow. Come to where four roads meet! threescore.
Tony. Ay, but you must be sure to take only Hustings. And all, Marlow, from that unac- one of them. countable reserve of yours, that would not let us Marlow. O, sir, you're facetious. inquire more frequently on the way.
Tony. Then keeping to the right, you are to Marlow. I own, Hastings, I am unwilling to go sideways, till you come upon Crack-skull Comlay niyself under an obligation to every one I meet, mon : there you must look sharp for the track of