Abs. Sir, I must repeat it-in this II know you are in a passion in your cannot obey you, Sir Anth. Now d-n me ! if ever call you Jack again while I live! Abs. Nay, sir, but hear me. heart; I know you are, you hypocri- Sir Anth. Sir, I won't hear a word you be cool like me? What the devil —not a word! not one word! so give good can passion do?—Passion is of me your promise by a nod—and I'll no service, you impudent, insolent, tell you what, Jack-Imean, you dog overbearing reprobate!-There you -if you don't bysneer again!-don't provoke me! Abs. What, sir, promise to link my-but you rely upon the mildness of my self to some mass of ugliness! to- temper-you do, you dog! you play Sir Anth. Z-ds! sirrah! the lady upon the meekness of my disposition! shall be as ugly as I choose: she shall Yet take care-the patience of a saint have a hump on each shoulder; she may be overcome at last!—but mark! shall be as crooked as the Crescent; I give you six hours and a halfto conher one eye shall roll like the bull's sider of this: if you then agree, within Cox's Museum; she shall have a out any condition, to do every thing skin like a mummy, and the beard of on earth that I choose, why-cona Jew-she shall be all this, sirrah!-found you! I may in time forgive you yet I will make you ogle her all day,—If not, z-ds! don't enter the same and sit up all night to write sonnets on hemisphere with me! don't dare to her-beauty. breathe the same air, or use the same Abs. This is reason and moderation light with me; but get an atmosphere indeed! Sir Anth. None of your sneering, puppy! no grinning, jackanapes! Abs. Indeed, sir, I never was in a worse humour for mirth in my life. Sir Anth. 'Tis false, sir, I know you are laughing in your sleeve; I know you'll grin when I am gone, sirrah! Abs. Sir, I hope I know my duty better. Sir Anth. None of your passion, sir! none of your violence; if you please -It won't do with me, I promise you. Abs. Indeed, sir, I never was cooler in my life. Sir Anth. 'Tis a confounded lie! and a sun of your own! I'll strip you of your commission; I'll lodge a fiveand-threepence in the hands of trustees, and you shall live on the interest. -I'll disown you, I'll disinherit you, I'll unget you! and d-n me! if ever I call you Jack again! [Exit Sir ANTHONY. ABSOLUTE Solus. Abs. Mild, gentle, considerate father-I kiss your hands.-What a tender method of giving his opinion in these matters Sir Anthony has! I dare not trust him with the truth.-I wonder what old wealthy hag it is that he wants to bestow on me!—yet he married himself for love! and was (jackanapes! am I to be commanded by in his youth a bold intriguer, and a you too? you little, impertinent, ingay companion! solent, kitchen-bred Enter FAQ. [Exit kicking and beating him. SCENE II. The NORTH PARADE. Enter LUCY. Fag. Assuredly, sir, your father is wrath to a degree; he comes down stairs eight or ten steps at a timemuttering, growling, and thumping the banisters all the way: I and the Lucy. So I shall have another rival cook's dog stand bowing at the door to add to my mistress's list-Captain -rap! he gives me a stroke on the Absolute. However, I shall not enter head with his cane; bids me carry that his name till my purse has received to my master; then kicking the poor notice in form. Poor Acres is dismisturnspit into the area, d-ns us all, sed!-Well, I have done him a last for a puppy triumvirate!-Upon my friendly office, in letting him know credit, sir, were I in your place, and that Beverley was here before him.— found my father such very bad com-Sir Lucius is generally more puncpany, I should certainly drop his ac- tual, when he expects to hear from quaintance. his dear Dalia, as he calls her: I Abs. Cease your impertinence, sir, wonder he's not here!-I have a little at present. Did you come in for no-scruple of conscience from this dething more?-Stand out of the way! ceit; though I should not be paid so [Pushes him aside, and exit. well, if my hero knew that Delia was near fifty, and her own mistress. FAG solus. Fag. Soh! Sir Anthony trims my Enter Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER.. master: he is afraid to reply to his Sir Luc. Hah! my little ambassafather then vents his spleen on poor dress-upon my conscience, I have Fag!—When one is vexed by one been looking for you; I have been on person, to revenge one's self on ano- the South Parade this half hour. ther, who happens to come in the way, is the vilest injustice! Ah! it shows the worst temper—the basest― Enter ERRAND BOY. Boy. Mr. Fag! Mr. Fag! your master calls you. Fag. Well! you little dirty puppy, you need not bawl so!-The meanest disposition! the Boy. Quick, quick, Mr. Fag. Lucy. (Speaking simply.) O gemini! and I have been waiting for your worship here on the North. Sir Luc. Faith!-may be, that was the reason we did not meet; and it is very comical too, how you could go out and I not see you-for I was only taking a nap at the Parade Coffeehouse, and I chose the window on purpose that I might not miss you. Lucy. My stars! Now I'd wager a Lucy. There, Sir Lucius. (Gives him a letter) Sir Luc. Faith, she must be very deep read to write this way-though she is rather an arbitrary writer too --for here are a great many poor words pressed into the service of this note, that would get their habeas corpus from any court in Christendom. Lucy. Ah! Sir Lucius, if you were to hear how she talks of you! Sir Luc. O tell her I'll make her the best husband in the world, and Lady O' Trigger into the bargain!-But we must get the old gentlewoman's consent-and do every thing fairly. Lucy. Nay, Sir Lucius, I thought you wa'n't rich enough to be so nice! Sir Luc. Upon my word, young Sir Luc. (Reads) 'Sir-there is often a sudden incentive impulse in love, that has a greater induction than years of domestic combination: such was the commotion Ifelt at the first woman, you have hit it:-I am so superfluous view of Sir Lucius Opoor, that I can't afford to do a dirty action. If I did not want money, I'd Trigger. Very pretty, upon my steal your mistress and her fortune word.-Female punctuation for with a great deal of pleasure.-Howbids me to say more; yet let me add, that it will give me joy infallible to ever, my pretty girl, (gives her mofind Sir Lucius worthy the last cri-ney), here's a little something to buy you a riband; and meet me in the terion of my affections. DELIA.' Upon my conscience! Lucy, your la-evening, and I'll give you an answer dy is a great mistress of language. hand, to put you in mind. (Kisses to this. So, hussy, take a kiss beforeFaith, she's quite the queen of the her.) dictionary! for the devil a word dare refuse coming at her callthough one would think it was quite out of hearing. Lucy. Ay, sir, a lady of her experi ence. Lucy. O lud! Sir Lucius-I never seed such a gemman! My lady won't like you if you're so impudent. Sir Luc. Faith she will, Lucy-that same-pho! what's the name of it? Sir Luc. Experience? what, at-Modesty!-is a quality in a lover seventeen? more praised by the women than Lucy. O true, sir-but then she liked; so, if your mistress asks you reads so-my stars! how she will whether Sir Lucius ever gave you a read off hand! kiss, tell her fifty-my dear. Lucy, What, would you have me tell her a lie? Sir Luc. Ah then, you baggage! I'll make it a truth presently. Lucy. For shame now; here is some one coming. Sir Luc. O faith, I'll quiet your conscience! [Sees EAG.-Exit, humming a tune. Enter FAG. Fag. So, so, ma'am. I humbly beg pardon. Lucy. O lud! now, Mr. Fag-you flurry one so. Fag. Come, come, Lucy, here's no one by-so a little less simplicity, with a grain or two more sincerity, if you please.—You play false with Abs. 'Tis just as Fag told me, indeed. us, madam.—I saw you give the baro--Whimsical enough, faith! My fanet a letter.-My master shall know ther wants to force me to marry the this-and if he don't call him out, I very girl I am plotting to run away will. with!-He must not know of my conLucy. Ha! ha! ha! you gentlemen's nexion with her yet awhile. He has gentlemen are so hasty.—That letter too summary a method of proceeding was from Mrs. Malaprop, simpleton. in these matters. However, I'll read -She is taken with Sir Lucius's ad-my recantation instantly.-My condress. version is something sudden, indeed Fag. How! what tastes some people-but I can assure him it is very sinhave!-Why, I suppose I have walk-cere.-So, so,-here he comes.—He ed by her window an hundred times. looks plaguy gruff. -But what says our young lady? Any message to my master? Lucy. Sad news! Mr. Fag.-A forgive him.-Die, did I say? I'll live worse rival than Acres! Sir Anthony Absolute has proposed his son. Fag. What, Captain Absolute? Lucy. Even so I overheard it all. Fag. Ha! ha! ha! very good, faith. Good bye, Lucy, I must away with this news. [Steps aside. Enter Sir ANTHONY. these fifty years to plague him.-At our last meeting, his impudence had almost put me out of temper.-An obstinate, passionate, self-willed boy! -Who can he take after? This is my return for getting him before all his brothers and sisters!-for putting ACT III. him, at twelve years old, into a march-[prevented my telling you at first. ing regiment, and allowing him fif- Prepare, Jack, for wonder and raptty pounds a year, besides his pay, ever ure-prepare.—What think you of since! But I have done with him;-Miss Lydia Languish? he's any body's son for me.-I never Abs. Languish? What, the Lanwill see him more,- -never-never- guishes of Worcestershire? Sir Anth, Worcestershire! No. Did you never meet Mrs. Malaprop and her niece, Miss Languish, who came into our country just before you were last ordered to your regiment? Abs. Malaprop! Languish! I don't remember ever to have heard the names before. Yet, stay-I think I do recollect something. —Languish! Languish! She squints, don't she? -A little red-haired girl? Sir Anth. Squints!--A red-haired girl!-Z-ds!no. Abs. Then I must have forgot; it can't be the same person. Sir Anth. Jack! Jack! what think you of blooming, love-breathing se Abs. I have been likewise weighing and balancing what you were pleased venteen? to mention concerning duty, and obedience, and authority. Sir Anth. Well, puppy? Abs. Why then, sir, the result of my reflections is- —a resolution to sacrifice every inclination of my own to your satisfaction. Abs. As to that, sir, I am quite indifferent. -If I can please you in the matter, 'tis all I desire. ! Sir Anth. Nay, but, Jack, such eyes! such eyes! so innocently wild! so bashfully irresolute! Not a glance but speaks and kindles some thought of Sir Anth. Why now you talk sense love!-Then, Jack, her cheeks! her —absolute sense-I never heard any cheeks, Jack! so deeply blushing at thing more sensible in my life.-Con-the insinuations of her tell-tale found you! you shall be Jack again. Abs. I am happy in the appellation. Sir Anth. Why then, Jack, my dear Jack, I will now inform you who the ladyreally is. Nothing but your passion and violence, you silly fellow, eyes Then, Jack, her lips! O Jack, lips smiling at their own discretion; and if not smiling, more sweetly pouting; more lovely in sullenness! Abs. That's she indeed. done, old gentleman! Well |
