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FAITHLESS NELLY GRAY.
work. Some people may think them an embellishment; but to me it is a matter of astonishment how any one can be so impertinent, to the detriment of all rudiment. But, my lud, this is not to be looked at through the medium of right and wrong; for the law knows no medium, and right and wrong are but its shadows. Now, in the first place, they have called a kitchen my client's premises. Now, a kitchen is nobody's premises. A kitchen is not a ware-house nor a wash-house, a brew-house nor a bakehouse, an inn-house nor an out-house, nor a dwelling-house; no, my lud, 't is absolutely and bo'na fi'de neither more nor less than a kitchen, or, as the law more classically expresses it, a kitchen is, camera necessaria pro usus cookare; cum saucepannis, stewpannis, scullero, dressero, coal holo, stovis, smoak-jacko; pro roastandum, boilandum, fryandum, et plum-pudding-andum mixandum; pro turtle-soupos, calves-head-ashibus, cum calipee et calepashibus. But we shall not avail ourselves of an alibi, but admit of the existence of a cook-maid. Now, my lud, we shall take it upon a new ground, and beg a new trial; for, as they have curtailed our name from plain Mary into Moll, I hope the court will not admit of this; for, if the court were to allow of mistakes, what would the law do? For, when the law don't find mistakes, it is the business of the law to make them."
Therefore, the court, after due consideration, allowed the parties the liberty of a new trial; for the law is our liberty, and it is happy for us we have the liberty to go to law.
G. A. STEVENS.
V.-FAITHLESS NELLY GRAY.
BEN BATTLE Was a soldier bold, and used to war's alarms:
The army surgeons made him limbs said he, "They 're only pegs :
But when he called on Nelly Gray, she made him quite a scoff,
Said she, "I loved a soldier once, for he was blithe and brave;
“O, fulse and fickle Nelly Gray! I know why you refuse ⠀⠀
VI. THE POETASTER'S FIRST TRAGEDY.
[The speaker enters with a roll of manuscript in his hand, from which he reads the fourth stanza.]
"O, PROUD am I, exceeding proud, I've mustered the élite ! *
"Place chairs for all the company; and, ma'am, I really think,
And should the darling, scared by me, become an imbecile,
"Have all got pocket-handkerchiefs? Your tears will fall in streams Place water near to sprinkle over any one who screams.
And pray, good people, recollect, when what I've said controls
Remember (it may save you all from suicide or fits)
"Tis but a mortal man who opes the flood-gates of his wits!
Retain your intellects to trace my brightest gem (my moral),
And, when I've done, I'm very sure you'll wreathe my brow with laurel.
"Hem-Act the first, and Scene the first-a wood - Bumprumpti enters,
No! rather perish earth and sea, the sky, and all the rest of it—
(Here the bard gesticulates a moment in dumb show, as if reading — then puts up the manuscript.)
* Pronounced a-leet'.
SORROWS OF WERTER.
Through five long acts-0, very long!the happy bard proceeds;
** VII. — THE EXCELLENT MAN.
T. H. BAYLY.
THEY gave me advice and counsel in store,
Good fellow! he got me the food I ate ;
Yet I can not embrace him, though other folks can,
VIII.-SORROWS OF WERTER.
And a moral man was Werter,
Would do nothing for to hurt her.
And no more was by it troubled.
IX. THE POET AND THE CHEMIST.
THERE was a chemist once, who had a mighty faith in the elixir vita; and, though unflattered by the dimmest glimpse of success, he still kept groping and grubbing in his dark vocation, stupidly hoping to find the art of changing metals, and guineas coin from pans and kettles, by mystery of transmutation.
A starving poet took occasion to seek this conjuror's abode, -not with encomiastic ode, or laudatory dedication, but with an offer to impart, for twenty pounds, the secret art, which should procure, without the pain of metals, chemistry, and fire, what he so long had sought in vain, and gratify his heart's desire.
The money paid, our bard was hurried to the philosopher's sanctorum; who, somewhat sublimized, and flurried out of his chemical decorum, crowed, capered, giggled, seemed to spurn his crucibles, retort, and furnace, and cried, as he secured the door, and carefully put to the shutter, "Now, now, the secret I implore! Out with it-speak-discover-utter!"
With grave and solemn look, the poet cried: "List - O, list! for thus I show it: let this plain truth those ingrates strike, who still, though blessed, new blessings crave: That we may all have what we like, simply by liking what we have."
X.-LODGINGS FOR SINGLE GENTLEMEN.
WHO has e'er been in London, that overgrown place,
Will Waddle, whose temper was studious and lonely,
He entered his rooms, and to bed he retreated;
Next night 't was the same!
- and the next! and the next!
He perspired like an ox; he was nervous and vexed;
In six months his acquaintance began much to doubt him;
there's a guinea.”
The doctor looked wise:-"A slow fever," he said;
"Sudorifics in bed," exclaimed Will, "are humbugs!
Will kicked out the doctor: but, when ill indeed,
"Look ye, landlord, I think," argued Will, with a grin,
Quoth the landlord, "Till now I ne'er had a dispute-
"The oven!" says Will.-Says the host, "Why this passion? In that excellent bed died three people of fashion.
! Why so crusty, good sir?" "Zounds!" cried Will, in a taking, "Who would not be crusty, with half a year's baking?"
Will paid for his rooms :- cried the host, with a sneer, "Well, I see you 've been going away half a year."
Friend, we can't well agree; yet no quarrel," Will said, "But I'd rather not perish, while you make your bread."
MR. ORATOR PUFF had two tones in his voice,
One voice for an orator's surely enough.