Mar. I was observing, Madam-I protest, | Rickets of Crooked-lane. Pray how do you Madam, I forget what I was going to ob-like this head, Mr. Hastings? serve. Miss H. I vow, and so do I. [Aside.] You were observing, Sir, that in this age of hypocrisy, something about hypocrisy, Sir. Hust. Extremely elegant and degagée, upon my word, Madam. Your friseur is a Frenchman, I suppose. Mrs. H. protest I dressed it myself from a print in the Ladies' Memorandum-book for the Mar. Yes, Madam; in this age of hypocrisy there are few who upon inquiry do not-a-last year. a Hast. Indeed! Such a head in a side-box at Miss H. I understand you perfectly, Sir. the playhouse, would draw as many gazers as Mar. 'Egad! and that's more than I do my-my lady mayoress at a city ball. [Aside. self. Mar. True, Madam; those who have most virtue in their mouths, have least of it in their bosoms. But I see Miss Neville expecting us in the next room. I would not intrude for the world. on. Miss H. I protest, Sir, I never was more agreeably entertained in all my life. Pray go Mar. Yes, Madam, I was-but she beckons us to join her. Madam, shall I do myself the honour to attend you. Miss H. Well then, I'll follow. Mar. This pretty smooth dialogue has done for me. [Aside; exit. Miss H. Ha, ha, ha! Was there ever such a sober, sentimental interview? I'm certain he scarce looked me in my face the whole time. Yet the fellow, but for his unaccountable bashfulness, is pretty well too. He has good sense, but then so buried in his fears, that it fatigues one more than ignorance. If I could teach him a little confidence, it would be doing somebody that I know of a piece of service. But who is that somebody?-that, faith, is a question I can scarce answer. [Exit. Enter TONY and MISS NEVILLE, followed by Tony. What do you follow me for, cousin Con? I wonder you're not asham'd to be so very engaging. Miss N. I hope, cousin, one may speak to one's own relations, and not be to blame. Tony. Ay, but I know what sort of a relation you want to make me though: but it wont do. I tell you, cousin Con, it wont do; so I beg you'll keep your distance; I want no nearer relationship. [She follows, coquetting him. Mrs. H. Well! I vow, Mr. Hastings, you are very entertaining. There's nothing in the world I love to talk of so much as London, and the fashions, though I was never there myself. Hast. Never there! you amaze me! from your air and manner, I concluded you had been bred all your life either at Ranelagh, St. James', or Tower-wharf. Mrs. H. O! Sir, you're only pleased to say so. We country persons can have no manner at all. I'm in love with the town, and that serves to raise me above some of our neighbouring rustics; but who can have a manner that has never seen the Pantheon, the Grotto Gardens, the Borough, and such places where the nobility chiefly resort? all I can do, is to enjoy London at second-hand. I take care to know every tête-à-tête from the Scandalous Magazine, and have all the fashions as they come out, in a letter from the two Miss Mrs. H. One must dress a little particular, or one may escape in the crowd. Hast. But that cannot be your case, Madam, in any dress. [Bowing. Mrs. H. Yet what signifies my dressing I when I have such a piece of antiquity by my side as Mr. Hardcastle? all I can say will not argue down a single button from his clothes. I have often wanted him to throw off his great flaxen wig, and where he was bald to plaster it over, like my lord Pately, with powder. Hast. You are right, Madam; for, as among the ladies there are none ugly, so among the men there are none old. Mrs. H. But what do you think his answer was? Why, with his usual Gothic vivacity, he said only wanted him to throw off his wig to convert it into a téte for my own wearing. Hast. Intolerable! at your age you may wear what you please, and it must become you. Mrs. H. Pray, Mr. Hastings, what do you take to be the most fashionable age about town? Hast. Some time ago, forty was all the mode; but I'm told the ladies intend to bring up fifty for the ensuing winter. Mrs. H. Seriously. Then I shall be too young for the fashion. Hast. No lady begins now to put on jewels till she's past forty. For instance, Miss there, in a polite circle, would be considered as a child, a mere maker of samplers. Mrs. H. And yet Mrs. Niece thinks herself as much a woman, and is as fond of jewels, as the oldest of us all. Hast. Your niece, is she? And that young gentleman a brother of yours, I should pre sume? Mrs. H. My son, Sir. They are contracted to each other. Observe their little sports. They fall in and out ten times a day, as if they were man and wife already. [To them.] Well, Tony, child, what soft things are you saying to your cousin Constance this evening Tony. I have been saying no soft things; but that it's very hard to be followed about so. Ecod! I've not a place in the house now that's left to myself but the stable. Mrs. H. Never mind him, Con, my dear. He's in another story behind your back. Miss N. There's something generous in my cousin's manner. He falls out before faces to be forgiven in private. Tony. That's a damned confounded-crack. Mrs. H. Ah! he's a sly one. Don't you think they're like each other about the mouth, Mr. Hastings? The Blenkinsop mouth to a T. They're of a size too, Back to back, my pretties, that Mr. Hastings may see you. Come, Tony. Tony. You had as good not make me, I tell you. Mrs. H. O the monster! for shame, Tony. | Ecod, she has two eyes as black as sloes, and You a man, and behave so! cheeks as broad and red as a pulpit cushion. She'd make two of she. Tony. If I'm a man, let me have my fortin. Ecod! I'll not be made a fool of any longer. Mrs. H. Is this, ungrateful boy, all that I'm to get for the pains I have taken in your education? I, that have rocked you in your cradle, and fed that pretty mouth with a spoon! Did not I work that waistcoat to make you genteel? Tony. But, ecod! I tell you, I'll not be made a fool of no longer. Mrs. H. Wasn't it all for your good, viper? Wasn't it all for your good? Tony. I wish you'd let me and my good alone then. Snubbing this way when I'm in spirits. If I'm to have any good, let it come of itself; not to keep dinging it, dinging it into one so. Hast. Well, what say you to a friend that would take this bitter bargain off your hands? Tony. Anon. Hast. Would you thank him that would take Miss Neville, and leave you to happiness and your dear Betsy? Tony. Ay; but where is there such a friend, for who would take her? Hast. I am he. If you but assist me, I'll engage to whip her off to France, and you shall never hear more of her. Tony. Assist you! Ecod, I will, to the last drop of my blood. I'll clap a pair of horses to your chaise, that shall trundle you off in a twinkling, and may be get you a part of her fortin, beside, in jewels, that you little dream of. Mrs. H. That's false; I never see you when you're in spirits. No, Tony, you then go to the alehouse or kennel. I'm never to be de-of spirit. lighted with your agreeable wild notes, unfeeling monster! Tony. Ecod! mamma, your own notes are the wildest of the two. Mrs. H. Was ever the like? But I see he wants to break my heart, I see he does. Hast. Dear Madam, permit me to lecture the young gentleman a little. I'm certain 1 can persuade him to his duty. Mrs. H. Well, I must retire. Come, Constance, my love. You see, Mr. Hastings, the wretchedness of my situation: was ever poor woman so plagued with a dear, sweet, pretty, provoking, undutiful boy. [Exeunt MRS. HARDCASTLE and MISS VILLE. Tony. [Singing.] There was a young man ing by, And fain would have his will. Rang do lo dee. Hast. My dear 'squire, this looks like a lad Tony. Come along then, and you shall see more of my spirit before you have done with me. [Singing. We are the boys That fears no noise Where thundering cannons roar. ACT III. SCENE 1.-The same. Enter HARDCASTLE. [Exeunt. Hard. What could my old friend, Sir NE-Charles, mean by recommending his son as the modestest young man in town? To me he rid-appears as the most impudent piece of brass that ever spoke with a tongue. He has taken dil-possession of the easy chair by the fireside already. He took off his boots in the parlour, and desired me to see them taken care of. I'm desirous to know how his impudence affects my daughter-She will certainly be shocked at it. Don't mind her. Let her cry. It's the comfort of her heart. I have seen her and sister cry over a book for an hour together, and they said they liked the book the better, the more it made them cry. Hast. Then you're no friend to the ladies, I find, my pretty young gentleman ? Tony. That's as I find 'em. Hast. Not to her of your mother's choosing, I dare answer? And yet she appears to me a pretty well-tempered girl. Tony. That's because you don't know her as well as I. Ecod! I know every inch about. her; and there's not a more bitter cantankerous toad in all Christendom. Hast. Pretty encouragement this for a lover. [Aside. Tony. I have seen her since the height of that. She has as many tricks as a hare in a thicket, or a colt in the first day's breaking. Hast. To me she appears sensible and silent. Tony. Ay, before company. But when she's with her playmates, she's as loud as a hog in a gate. Hast. But there is a meek modesty about her that charms me. Tony. Yes; but curb her never so little, she kicks up, and you're flung in the ditch. Hast. Well, but you must allow her a little beauty-Yes, you must allow her some beauty. Tony. Bandbox! she's all a made up thing, mun. Ah! could you but see Bet Bouncer of these parts, you might then talk of beauty. Well, my Kate, I see you have changed your Enter MISS HARDCASTLE, plainly dressed. dress as I bid you; and yet, I believe, there was no great occasion. Miss H. I find such a pleasure, Sir, in obeying your commands, that I take care to observe them without ever debating their propriety. Hard. And yet, Kate, I sometimes give you some cause, particularly when I recommended my modest gentleman to you as a lover today. Miss H. You taught me to expect something extraordinary, and I find the original exceeds the description. Hard. I was never so surprised in my life! He has quite confounded all my faculties! Miss H. I never saw any thing like it; and a man of the world too! Hard. Ay, he learned it all abroad. Miss H. It seems all natural to him. Hard. A good deal assisted by bad company, and a French dancing-master. Miss H. Sure you mistake, papa! a French dancing-master could never have taught him that timid look-that awkward address-that bashful manner Hard. Whose look? whose manner, child? Miss H. Mr. Marlow's! his mauvaise honte, his timidity, struck me at the first sight. Hard. Then your first sight deceived you; for I think aim one of the most brazen first sights that ever astonished my senses. Miss H. Sure, Sir, you rally! I never saw any one so modest. Hard. And can you be serious? I never saw such a bouncing, swaggering puppy since I was born. Bully Dawson was but a fool to him. Tony. Ask me no questions, and 'n tell you no fibs. I procured them by the rule of thumb. If I had not a key to every drawer in mother's bureau, how could I go to the alehouse so often as I do? An honest man may rob himself of his own at any time. Hast. Thousands do it every day. But, to be plain with you, Miss Neville is endeavMiss H. Surprising! he met me with a re-ouring to procure them from her aunt this spectful bow, a stammering voice, and a look fixed on the ground. Hard. He met me with a loud voice, a lordly air, and a familiarity that made my blood freeze again. Miss H. He treated me with diffidence and respect; censured the manners of the age; admired the prudence of girls that never laughed; tired me with apologies for being tiresome: then left the room with a bow, and, Madam, I would not for the world detain you. Hard. He spoke to me as if he knew me all his life before. Asked twenty questions, and never waited for an answer. Interrupted my best remarks with some silly pun; and when I was in my best story of the duke of Marlborough and prince Eugene, he asked me if I had not a good hand at making punch. Yes, Kate, he asked your father if he was a maker of punch. Miss H. One of us must certainly be mistaken. Hard. If he be what he has shown himself, I'm determined he shall never have my consent. Miss H. And if he be the sullen thing I take him, he shall never have mine. Hard. In one thing then we are agreed-to reject him. very instant. If she succeeds, it will be the most delicate way at least of obtaining them. Tony. Well, keep them, till you know how it will be. But I know how it will be, well enough; she'd as soon part with the only sound tooth in her head. Hast. But I dread the effects of her resentment, when she finds she has lost them. Tony. Never you mind her resentment, leave me to manage that. I don't value her resentment the bounce of a cracker. Zounds! there they are. Morrice; prance. [Exit HASTINGS. Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE and MISS NEVille. Mrs. H. Indeed, Constance, you amaze me Such a girl as you want jewels! It will be time enough for jewels, my dear, twenty years hence, when your beauty begins to want repairs. Miss N. But what will repair beauty at forty, will certainly improve it at twenty, Ma dam. Mrs. H. Yours, my dear, can admit of none. That natural blush is beyond a thousand ornaments. Besides, child, jewels are quite out at present. Don't you see half the ladies of our acquaintance, my lady Kill-day-light, and Mr. Crump, and the rest of them, carry their jewels to town, and bring nothing but paste and marcasites back. Miss H. Yes, but upon conditions. For if you should find him less impudent, and I more presuming; if you find him more re- Miss N. But who knows, Madam, but spectful, and I more importunate-I don't somebody that shall be nameless would like know-the fellow is well enough for a man-me best with all my finery about me? Certainly we don't meet many such at a horse race in the country. Hard. If we should find him so? But that's impossible. The first appearance has done my business. I'm seldom deceived in that. Miss H. And yet there may be many good qualities under that first appearance. But as one of us must be mistaken, what if we go to make farther discoveries? Hard. Agreed. But depend on't I'm in the right. Miss H. And depend on't I'm not much in the wrong. [Excunt. Enter TONY, running with a casket. Tony. Ecod! I have got them. Here they are. My cousin Con's necklaces, bobs and all. My mother sha'n't cheat the poor souls out of their fortune, neither. O! my genius, is that you? Enter HASTINGS. Hast. My dear friend, how have you managed with your mother? I hope you have amused her with pretending love for your cousin, and that you are willing to be reconciled at last: our horses will be refreshed in a short time, and we shall soon be ready to set off. Tony. And here's something to bear your charges by the way. [Giving the casket.] Your sweetheart's jewels. Keep them, and hang those, I say, that would rob you of one of them. Hast. But how have you procured them from your mother? Mrs. H. Consult your glass, my dear, and then see if, with such a pair of eyes, you want any better sparklers. What do you think, Tony, my dear, does your cousin Con want any jewels, in your eyes to set off her beauty? Tony. That's as hereafter may be. Miss N. My dear aunt, if you knew how it would oblige me. Mrs. H. A parcel of old fashioned rose and table cut things. They would make you look like the court of king Solomon at a puppetshow. Besides, I believe I can't readily come at them. They may be missing, for aught I know to the contrary. Tony. [Apart to MRS. HARDCASTLE.] Then why don't you tell her so at once, as she's so longing for them. Tell her they're lost. It's the only way to quiet her. Say they're lost, and call me to bear witness. Mrs. H. [Apart to TONY.] You know, my dear, I'm only keeping them for you. So, if I say they're gone, you'll bear me witness, will you? he, he, he! Tony. Never fear me. Ecod! I'll say I saw them taken out with mine own eyes. Miss N. I desire them but for a day, Madam. Just to be permitted to show them as relics, and then they may be locked up again. Mrs. H. To be plain with you my dear Constance, if I could find them, you should have them. They're missing I assure you. Lost, for aught I know; but we must ha e patience wherever they are. Miss N. I'll not believe it! this is but a Tony. That I can bear witness to. They are missing, and not to be found, I'll take my oath on't. Mrs. H. You must learn resignation, my dear; for though we lose our fortune, yet we should not lose our patience. See me, how calm I am. Miss N. Ay, people are generally calm at the misfortunes of others. Mrs. H. Now I wonder a girl of your good sense should waste a thought upon such trumpery. We shall soon find them; and, in the mean time, you shall make use of my garnets till your jewels be found. Miss N. I detest garnets. Mrs. H. The most becoming things in the world, to set off a clear complexion. You have often seen how well they look upon me. You [Exit. Miss N. I dislike them of all things. You sha'n't stir-Was ever any thing so provoking, to mislay my own jewels, and force me to shall have them. wear trumpery. Tony. Don't be a fool. If she gives you the garnets, take what you can get. The jewels are your own already. I have stolen them out of her bureau, and she does not know it. Fly to your spark, he'll tell you more of the matter. Leave me to manage her. Miss N. My dear cousin. Mrs. H. Can you bear witness that you're no better than a fool? Was ever poor woman so beset with fools on one hand and thieves on the other! Tony. I can bear witness to that. Mrs. H. Bear witness again, you blockhead you, and I'll turn you out of the room directly. My poor niece, what will become of her! Do you laugh, you unfeeling brute, as if you enjoyed my distress? Tony. I can bear witness to that. Mrs. H. Do you insult me, monster? I'll teach you to vex your mother, I will. Tony. I can bear witness to that. [Runs off; Mas. HARDCASTLE follows him. Enter MISS HARDCASTLE and MAID. Miss H. What an unaccountable creature is that brother of mine, to send them to the house as an inn, ha, ha! I don't wonder at his impudence. Maid. But what is more, Madam, the young gentleman, as you passed by in your present dress, asked me if you were the bar-maid? He mistook you for the bar-maid, Madam. Miss H. Did he? Then as I live I'm resolved to keep up the delusion. Tell me, how do you like my present dress? Don't you think I look something like Cherry in the Beaux' Stratagem? Maid. It's the dress, Madam, that every lady wears in the country, but when she visits or receives company. member my face or person? Miss H. And are you sure he does not re Maid. Certain of it. Miss H. I vow I thought so; for though we Tony. Vanish. She's here, and has missed them already. Zounds! how she fidgets and spoke for some time together, yet his fears spits about like a Catharine wheel, Tony. Sure I know they're gone, and I am to say so. Mrs. H. My dearest Tony, but hear me. They're gone, I say. Tony. By the laws, mamma, you make me for to laugh, ha, ha! I know who took them well enough, ha, ha, ha! Mrs. H. Was there ever such a blockhead, that can't tell the difference between jest and earnest. I tell you I'm not in jest, booby. Tony. That's right, that's right: you must be in a bitter passion, and then nobody will suspect either of us. I'll bear witness that they are gone. were such, that he never once looked up during the interview. Indeed if he had, my bonnet would have kept him from seeing me. Maid. But what do you hope from keeping him in his mistake? Miss H. In the first place, I shall be seen; and that is no small advantage to a girl who brings her face to market. Then I shall perhaps make an acquaintance; and that's no small victory gained over one who never addresses any but the wildest of her sex. my chief aim is to take my gentleman off his guard, and like an invisible champion of romance, examine the giant's force before I offer to combat. But Maid. But are you sure you can act your part, and disguise your voice, so that he may mistake that, as he has already mistaken your Mar. [Musing.] As for Miss Hardcastle, in me to follow. At the ladies' club in town, she's too grave and sentimental for me. I'm called their agreeable Rattle. Rattle, Miss H. Did your honour call? child, is not my real name, but one I'm known [She still places herself before him, he turn-by. My name is Solomons. Mr. Solomons, my dear, at your service. ing away. Mar. No, child. [Musing.] Besides, from the glimpse I had of her, I think she squints. Miss H. I'm sure, I heard the bell ring. Mar. No, no. [Musing.] I have pleased my fa her, however, by coming down, and I'll to-morrow please myself by returning. [Takes his tablets and reads. Miss H. Perhaps the other gentleman called, Sir. Mar. I tell yon, no. Mar. No, no, I tell you. [Looks full in her face.] Yes, child, I think I did call. I wanted -I wanted-I vow, child, you are vastly handsome. Miss H. O la, Sir, you'll make one ashamed. Mar. Never saw a more sprightly, malicious eye. Yes, yes, my dear, I did call. Have you got any of your-a-what d'ye call it, in the house? Miss H. No, Sir, we have been out of that these ten days. Mar. One may call in this house, I find, to very little purpose. Suppose I should call for a taste, just by way of trial, of the nectar of your lips; perhaps I might be disappointed in that too. Miss H. Nectar! nectar! that's a liquor there's no call for in these parts. French, I suppose. We keep no French wines here, Sir. Mar. Of true English growth, I assure you. Miss H. Then it's odd I should not know it. We brew all sorts of wines in this house, and I have lived here these eighteen years. Mar. Eighteen years! why one would think, child, you kept the bar before you were born. How old are you? Miss H. O! Sir, I must not tell my age. They say women and music should never be dated. Mar. To guess at this distance, you can't be much above forty. [Approaching.] Yet nearer I don't think so much. [Approaching.] By coming close to some women they look younger still; but when we come very close indeed [Attempting to kiss her. Miss H. Pray, Sir, keep your distance. One would think you wanted to know one's age as they do horses, by mark of mouth. Mar. I protest, child, you use me extremely ill. If you keep me at this distance, how is it possible you and I can ever be acquainted? Miss. H. And who wants to be acquainted with you? I want no such acquaintance, not I. I'm sure you did not treat Miss Hardcastle that was here awhile ago in this obstropolous manner. I'll warrant me, before her you look'd dash'd, and kept bowing to the ground, and talk'd, for all the world, as if you was before a justice of the peace. Mar. 'Egad! she has hit it, sure enough. [Aside.] In awe of her, child? Ha, ha, ha! A mere awkward, squinting thing. No, no. I find you don't know me. I laugh'd, and rallied her a little; but I was unwilling to be too severe. No, I could not be too severe, curse me! Miss H. O! then, Sir, you are a favourite, I find, among the ladies? Mar. Yes, my dear, a great favourite. And yet, hang me, I don't see what they find [Offering to salute her. Miss H. Hold, Sir, you were introducing me to your club, not to yourself. And you're so great a favourite there, you say? Mar. Yes, my dear. There's Mrs. Mantrap, Lady Betty Blackleg, the Countess of Sligo, Mrs. Longhorns, old Miss Biddy Buckskin, and your humble servant, keep up the spirit of the place. Miss H. Then it's a very merry place, I suppose? Mar. Yes, as merry as cards, supper, wine, and old women can make us. Miss H. And their agreeable Rattle, ha, ha, ha! Mar. 'Egad! I don't quite like this chit. She looks knowing, methinks. [Aside.] You laugh, child! Miss H. I can't but laugh to think what time they all have for minding their work or their family. Mar. All's well, she don't laugh at me. [Aside.] Do you ever work, child? Miss H. Ay, sure. There's not a screen or a quilt in the whole house but what can bear witness to that. Mar. Odso! Then you must show me your embroidery. I embroider and draw patterns myself a little. If you want a judge of your work, you must apply to me. [Seizing her hand. Miss H. Ay, but the colours don't look well by candle-light. You shall see all in the morning. [Struggles. Mar. And why not now, my angel? Such beauty fires beyond the power of resistance. -Pshaw! the father here! My old luck! I never nick'd seven that I did not throw ames ace three times following. [Exit. Enter HARDCASTLE, who stands in surprise. Hard. So, Madam! So I find this is your modest lover. This is your humble admirer, that kept his eyes fixed on the ground, and only adored at humble distance. Kate, Kate, art thou not ashamed to deceive your father so? Miss H. Never trust me, my dear papa, but he's still the modest man I first took him for; you'll be convinced of it as well as I. Hard. By the hand of my body I believe his impudence is infectious! Didn't I see him seize your hand? Didn't I see him haul you about like a milkmaid? and now you talk of his respect and his modesty, forsooth! Miss H. But if I shortly convince you of his modesty, that he has only the faults that will pass off with time, and the virtues that will improve with age, I hope you'll forgive him. Hard. The girl would actually make one run mad; I tell you I'll not be convinced. I am convinced. He has scarcely been three hours in the house, and he has already encroached on all my prerogatives. You may like his impudence and call it modesty. But my son-inlaw, Madam, must have very different qualifitions. Miss H. Sir, I ask but this night to convince you. Hard. You shall not have half the time; for I have thoughts of turning him out this very hour. |
