Enter Boy

Boy. Mr. Fag! Mr. Fag! your master calls you. Fag. Well, you little dirty puppy, you need not bawl so! The meanest disposition! the

Boy. Quick, quick, Mr. Fag!

Fag. Quick! quick! you impudent jackanapes ! am I to be commanded by you too? you little impertinent, insolent, kitchen-bred

[Exit kicking and beating him

SCENE II.-The North Parade

Enter LUCY

Lucy. So I shall have another rival to add to my mistress's list-Captain Absolute. However, I shall not enter his name till my purse has received notice in form. Poor Acres is dismissed! Well, I have done him a last friendly office, in letting him know that Beverley was here before him.-Sir Lucius is generally more punctual, when he expects to hear from his dear Dalia, as he calls her: I wonder he's not here -I have a little scruple of conscience from this deceit; though I should not be paid so well, if my hero knew that Delia was near fifty, and her own mistress.

Enter SIR LUCIUS O'TRIGGER

Sir Luc. Ha! my little ambassadress-upon my conscience, I have been looking for you; I have been on the South Parade this half hour.

Lucy [Speaking simply.] O gemini and I have been waiting for your worship here on the North.

Sir Luc. Faith -may be that was the reason we did not meet; and it is very comical, too, how you could go out and I not see you-for I was only taking a nap at the Parade Coffee-house, and I chose the window on purpose that I might not miss you.

Lucy. My stars! Now I'd wager a sixpence I went by while you were asleep.

and I never Well, but my little

Sir Luc. Sure enough it must have been so dreamt it was so late till I waked.

girl, have you got nothing for me?

Lucy. Yes, but I have-I've got a letter for you in my pocket.

Sir Luc. O faith! I guessed you weren't come emptyhanded.-Well-let me see what the dear creature says. Lucy. There, Sir Lucius. [Gives him a letter

Sir Luc. [Reads.] Sir—there is often a sudden incentive impulse in love, that has a greater induction than years of domestic combination: such was the commotion I felt at the first superfluous view of Sir Lucius O'Trigger.—-Very pretty, upon my word.-Female punctuation forbids me to say more, yet let me add, that it will give me joy infallible to find Sir Lucius worthy the last criterion of my affections. DELIA. Upon my conscience! Lucy, your lady is a great mistress of language. Faith, she's quite the queen of the dictionary -For the devil a word dare refuse coming at her call-though one would think it was quite out of hearing.

Lucy! Ay, sir, a lady of her experience

Sir Luc. Experience! what, at seventeen?

Lucy. Oh, true, sir-but then she reads so-my stars! how she will read offhand!

Sir Luc. Faith, she must be very deep read to write this way-though she is rather an arbitrary writer too— for here are a great many poor words pressed into the service of this note, that would get their habeas corpus from any court in Christendom.

Lucy. Ah! Sir Lucius, if you were to hear how she talks of you!

Sir Luc. Oh, tell her I'll make her the best husband in the world, and Lady O'Trigger into the bargain!-But we must get the old gentlewoman's consent-and do every thing fairly.

Lucy. Nay, Sir Lucius, I thought you wa'n't rich enough to be so nice.

Sir Luc. Upon my word, young woman, you have hit it :-I am so poor, that I can't afford to do a dirty action. If I did not want money, I'd steal your mistress and her fortune with a great deal of pleasure. However, my pretty girl [gives her money], here's a little something to buy you a ribbon; and meet me in the evening, and I'll give you an answer to this. So, hussy, take a kiss beforehand to put you in mind. [Kisses her Lucy. O Lud! Sir Lucius-I never seed such a gemman! My lady won't like you if you're so impudent.

Sir Luc. Faith she will, Lucy!-That same-pho! what's the name of it ?—modesty—is a quality in a lover more praised by the women than liked; so, if your mistress asks you whether Sir Lucius ever gave you a kiss, tell her fifty-my dear.

Lucy. What, would you have me tell her a lie ?

Sir Luc. Ah, then, you baggage! I'll make it a truth presently.

Lucy. For shame now! here is some one coming.
Sir Luc. Oh, faith, I'll quiet your conscience !

Enter FAG

[Exit, humming a tune

Fag. So, so, ma'am! I humbly beg pardon. Lucy. O Lud! now, Mr. Fag, you flurry one so. Fag. Come, come, Lucy, here's no one by-so a little less simplicity, with a grain or two more sincerity, if you please. You play false with us, madam.—I saw you give the baronet a letter.-My master shall know this—and if he don't call him out, I will.

Lucy. Ha ha ha! you gentlemen's gentlemen are so hasty. That letter was from Mrs. Malaprop, simpleton. -She is taken with Sir Lucius's address.

Fag. How! what tastes some people have!-Why, I suppose I have walked by her window a hundred times.But what says our young lady? any message to my master?

Lucy. Sad news, Mr. Fag.-A worse rival than Acres ! Sir Anthony Absolute has proposed his son. Fag. What, Captain Absolute ?

Lucy. Even so— -I overheard it all.

Fag. Ha ha! ha! very good, faith. Lucy; I must away with this news.

Good bye,

Lucy. Well, you may laugh—but it is true, I assure you. -[Going] But, Mr. Fag, tell your master not to be cast down by this.

Fag. Oh, he'll be so disconsolate!

Lucy. And charge him not to think of quarrelling with young Absolute.

Fag. Never fear! never fear!

Lucy. Be sure-bid him keep up his spirits.

Fag. We will-we will.

[Exeunt severally

ACT THREE

SCENE I.-The North Parade

Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE

Abs. 'Tis just as Fag told me, indeed. Whimsical enough, faith My father wants to force me to marry the very girl I am plotting to run away with He must not know of my connection with her yet awhile. He has too summary a method of proceeding in these matters. However, I'll read my recantation instantly. My conversion is something sudden, indeed but I can assure him it is y sincere. So, so-here he comes. He looks plaguy

very

gruff.

[Steps aside

Enter SIR ANTHONY ABSOLUTE

Die,

Sir Anth. No-I'll die sooner than forgive him.
did I say? I'll live these fifty years to plague him. At
our last meeting, his impudence had almost put me out
of temper. An obstinate, passionate, self-willed boy!
Who can he take after? This is my return for getting
him before all his brothers and sisters !-for putting him,
at twelve years old, into a marching regiment, and allow-
ing him fifty pounds a year, besides his pay, ever since !
But I have done with him; he's anybody's son for me.
I will never see him more, never-never-never.

Abs. [Aside, coming forward.] Now for a penitential face.
Sir Anth. Fellow, get out of my way!

Abs. Sir, you see a penitent before you.

Sir Anth. I see an impudent scoundrel before me. Abs. A sincere penitent. I am come, sir, to acknowledge my error, and to submit entirely to your will.

Sir Anth. What's that?

Abs. I have been revolving, and reflecting, and considering on your past goodness, and kindness, and condescension to me.

Abs. I have been likewise weighing and balancing what you were pleased to mention concerning duty, and obedience, and authority.

Sir Anth. Well, puppy?

Abs. Why then, sir, the result of my reflections is-a

resolution to sacrifice every inclination of my own to your satisfaction.

Sir Anth. Why, now you talk sense- -absolute sense -I never heard anything more sensible in my life. Confound you! you shall be Jack again.

Abs. I am happy in the appellation.

Sir Anth. Why then, Jack, my dear Jack, I will now inform you who the lady really is. Nothing but your passion and violence, you silly fellow, prevented my telling you at first. Prepare, Jack, for wonder and raptureprepare. What think you of Miss Lydia Languish ? Abs. Languish! What, the Languishes of Worcestershire ?

Sir Anth. Worcestershire ! no. Did you never meet Mrs. Malaprop and her niece, Miss Languish, who came into our country just before you were last ordered to your regiment ?

Abs. Malaprop! Languish I don't remember ever to have heard the names before. Yet, stay-I think I do recollect something. Languish Languish! She squints, don't she? A little red-haired girl?

Sir Anth.

Squints! A red-haired girl! Zounds!no. Abs. Then I must have forgot; it can't be the same person.

Sir Anth. Jack! Jack! what think you of blooming, love-breathing seventeen ?

Abs. As to that, sir, I am quite indifferent. please you in the matter, 'tis all I desire.

If I can

Sir Anth. Nay, but Jack, such eyes! such eyes! SO innocently wild! so bashfully irresolute ! not a glance but speaks and kindles some thought of love! Then, Jack, her cheeks! her cheeks, Jack! so deeply blushing at the insinuations of her tell-tale eyes! Then, Jack, her lips! Oh, Jack, lips smiling at their own discretion; and if not smiling, more sweetly pouting; more lovely in sullenness! Abs. That's she, indeed! Well done, old gentleman.

[Aside

Sir Anth. Then, Jack, her neck! Oh, Jack! Jack! Abs. And which is to be mine, sir, the niece, or the aunt? Sir Anth. Why, you unfeeling, insensible puppy, I despise you! When I was of your age, such a description would have made me fly like a rocket! The aunt, indeed! Odds life! when I ran away with your mother, I would not have touched anything old or ugly to gain an empire.