Sir H. Hang me if I didn't think it all along! Oh, you infernal, cozening dog! [Crosses to him. Isaacs. Now, then, Mr. Hamilton Grace. Stay, sir-Mr. Charles Courtly is under age-ask his father. Sir H. Ahem! I won't-I won't pay a shilling of the rascal's debts-not a sixpence! Grace. Then I will-you may retire. [Exit ISAACS, L. Young C. I can now perceive the generous point of your conduct towards me; and, believe me, I appreciate, and will endeavor to deserve it. Max. Ha! ha! Come, Sir Harcourt, you have been fairly beaten-you must forgive him-say you will. Sir H. So, sir, it appears you have been leading, covertly, an infernal town life? Young C. Yes, please, father. [Imitating MASTER CHARLES. Sir H. None of your humbug, sir! [Aside.] He is my own son-how could I expect him to keep out of the fire? [Aloud.] And you, Mr. Cool! have you been deceiving me? Cool. Oh! Sir Harcourt, if your perception was played upon, how could I be expected to see? [Exit, L. Sir H. Well, it would be useless to withhold my hand. There, boy! [He gives his hand to YOUNG COURTLY. GRACE comes down on the other side and offers her hand; he takes it.] What is all this? What do you want? Young C. Your blessing, father. Sir H. Oho! the mystery is being solved. So, so, you young scoundrel, you have been making love-under the rose. Lady G. He learnt that from you, Sir Har court. Sir H. Ahem! What would you do were to withhold my consent? Grace. Do without it. now, if I Lady G. Am I forgiven, Sir Harcourt? Lady G. Can you not see through this? Sir H. [is about to kiss her hand, when SPANKER interposes between.] A very handsome ring, indeed. Span. Very. [Puts her arm in his, and they go up. Poor little Spanker! One Sir H. Young C. Dazzle, Dazzle—will you excuse an impertinent question?- but who the deuce are you? Daz. Certainly. I have not the remotest idea. Daz. Simple question as you may think it, it would puzzle half the world to answer. One thing I can vouch-Nature made me a gentleman--that is, I live on the best that can be procured for credit. I never spend my own money when I can oblige a friend. I'm always thick on the winning horse. I'm an epidemic on the trade of tailor. For further particulars, inquire of any sitting magistrate. Sir H. And these are the deeds which attest your title to the name of gentleman? I perceive you have caught the infection of the present age. Charles, permit me, as your father, and you, sir, as his friend, to correct you on one point. Barefaced assurance is the vulgar substitute for gentlemanly ease; and there are many, who, by aping the vices of the great, imagine that they elevate themselves to the rank of those whose faults alone they copy. No, sir! The title of gentleman is the only one out of any monarch's gift, yet within the reach of every peasant. It should be engrossed Span. I married from inclination, and see how by Truth-stamped with Honor-sealed with Goodhappy I am. And if ever I have a sonfeeling-signed Man-and enrolled in every true Lady G. Hush! Dolly, dear! young English heart. Max. The will says, if Grace marries any one but you, her property reverts to your heir-apparent-and there he stands. Lady G. Make a virtue of necessity. Sir H. Well! take her, boy! Although you are too young to marry. [They retire with MAX. COSTUMES. SIR HARCOURT COURTLY.-First dress: Brocade morning DAZZLE.-First dress: Green coat; drab gaiter pants; silk THE END. MEDDLE.-Brown coat; white vest; dark pantaloons. SPANKER.-First dress: Blue coat; dark vest; checkered pantaloons. Second dress: Black dress coat and pants; white vest. COOL-First dress: Light coat; white vest, and black gaiter LADY GAY SPANKER.-First dress: Riding habit. Second GRACE HARKAWAY.-First dress: Fashionable morning In this play the French dramatic rule of condensing the incidents of every separate act into a single scene is skillfully and ingeni ously carried out. The character of Dazzle is a truthful and legitimate picture, to which, we doubt not, more than one original may be found among the chevaliers of European cities. The plot of the play is sustained by a certain vivacity of tone and "smartness of allusion, which renders the comedy amusing in the reading as well as in the representation. The business of the scene is rarely suffered to flag; and much tact is shown in the grouping of the characters. But what many will probably regard as the most emphatic praise we could offer, is the undisputed fact, that it has been one of the most popular and attractive comedies of the day. A notable defect in the play is the heartlessness and flippancy of its pervading tone. Max Harkaway, who is a mere repetition of the fox-hunting country gentleman of innumerable comedies, is the only individual of the dramatis person who seems to have the most distant notion of a moral obligation or a generous impulse. It is not the absence of noble sentiments," but of redeeming traits to which we allude. The Courtlys, father and son, are weak, unprincipled libertines, the fool prevailing in one, and the scamp in the other. Lady Gay Spanker is a monstrous, and, we trust, a wholly imaginary creation. No woman of any pretensions to breeding or good sense would treat a husband, were he even so much of an ass, in the manner she does. CASTS OF CHARACTERS, STAGE BUSINESS, COSTUMES, RELATIVE POSITIONS, &c., ADAPTED TO THE HOME CIRCLE, PRIVATE THEATRICALS, AND THE AMERICAN STAGE. NO.2. Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1875, by GEORGE W. WHEAT, in the Office of the MY HUSBAND'S SECRET : A Farce, in One Act. VOL.1. would never tolerate any disrespect in any one to you, particularly in the case of a servant; were such a thing even probable, you cannot surely say that I set a precedent. Mrs. F. [with great indignation.] Yes, sir, you BY WALTER DEVEREUX WHITTY, ESQ. do. When a gentleman so far forgets himself as Mrs. Fitzherbert. You might put down your paper, sir, and pay a little attention to what I am saying. Fitzherbert. My dear, I am never indifferent to any remarks you may choose to make. Mrs. F. Indeed, sir; then perhaps you will be good-natured for once in your life. Fitz. You know, my darling, the sole object of my existence is your gratification. Mrs. F. Very well, sir; then I may count on your dismissing that odious, vulgar, impudent servant man of yours. Fitz. My dear, your aversion to Straps is unaccountable, if not ungenerous. Mrs. F. [beginning to cry.] There, sir, you say you only live for me, yet in no one instance do you consult my happiness! Fitz. Now, Louisa, don't be foolish; what can be your objection to Straps? Mrs. F. In the first place, I can't endure him, and in the second, I think you are much too familiar with your servant. Endeavor to recollect, Mr. Fitzherbert, that you are no longer a bachelor in chambers at Oxford, but a married man, and moving in respectable society; and again, sir, your unbecoming condescension has destroyed all that respect which Straps ought to observe towards his master's wife! Fitz. There, my love, you do me injustice; I to take his servant into his confidence, the servant, of course, takes his cue from his master. Fitz. Ha, ha, ha! why, what delusion is this? You cannot imagine how absurd you are making yourself, Louisa. Mrs. F. Pray what is all this whispering continually occurring between you and Straps? And why, sir, has Straps orders to detain all your letters? There must be something very disgraceful in your correspondence, or I should not be excluded from a knowledge of it. Fitz. Well, come, give me another cup of tea, and I'll tell you all about it. [MRS. FITZHERBERT gives tea-FITZHERBERT again refers to paper. Mrs. F. Well, sir, I am all attention! Fitz. How unfortunate! to the city to see my broker. I find that the funds are down this morning, and shall have to run up Mr. Fitzherbert is The funds, indeed! determined to break [Beginning to sob. Fitz. My angel!—you'll exhaust my patiencedo take your breakfast. Mrs. F. As I expected. never at a loss for an excuse! I see your object-you are my heart! Mrs. F. I shall not take my breakfast, sir; I'll never eat another morsel. I'll starve myself, and then, sir, you will be tried for manslaughter. Fitz. If you are resolved to make a fool of yourself, I cannot help it. [Looking at his watch.] I've just ten minutes to catch the train-[rising from table]-and put my coat on. I shall be home to dinner, darling. Mrs. F. [crying bitterly.] Then you'll not find me here, sir, on your return. I shall seek protection from such ill-usage and neglect with papa and mamma. Fitz. Oh, no, you'll think better of that! [About to embrace her.] Won't it give its dear Augustus a kiss? Mrs. F. [repelling him.] No, sir, never-never again! You have now forfeited all right to any affection I might have entertained for you. Fitz. You'll make yourself ill, darling. Mrs. F. Then I shall die the sooner, sir. Fitz. Oh, it's only joking; you'll be better presently-bye, bye, honey! I'll send your maid to you. [Going to wing.] Mary, come to your mistress; she's got a headache. [Exit, L. Enter MARY, L. Mary. Oh! my dear mistress, what is the matter? Mrs. F. My heart is broken, Mary! Your master is a brute! Mary. La, mum, that handsome gentleman! minx? Mary. La, mum, I've heard you say so a dozen times! Mrs. F. You naughty girl. I never said any- Mrs. F. I am not vexed with you, Mary. Fitz. [without.] Straps, bring me my boots-the strong ones, you rascal. Mrs. F. There's your master, Mary; let me get to my own room; and, Mary, I shall want you to go to the circulating library and get me the new novel, "Mabel, the Mildewed." [Exit, followed by MARY. Enter FITZHERBERT. Fitz. Where is that Straps? Straps, you lain, are you bringing those boots? Enter STRAPS. never said a truer thing in the whole of his hamiable career. Fitz. Very well, Straps. [Crossing to L.] Such being the case, you see the danger I shall be in if you fail me! Straps. Give yourself no more hanxiety, sir, 'cos when Straps says he'll do a thing he means itit's a wirtue which shone in our family, and hif you can heradicate that wirtue in the last of the race, you'll lick Hannibal, as we used to say at Hoxford. Fitz. [at door, L.] All right, I'll rely on you. Enter MARY, with bonnet on, door R. vil-hinnocent 'art, I wouldn't say a word as 'ud 'urt Straps. [talking as he advances.] I'm a comin', sir. [Appears at door with boots.] Lor', sir, what an 'urry you are in; here's your boots with a reg'lar Crystil Palas polish on 'em; vy, you can see your face in 'em like a looking-glass-take a sight, sir. [Holds them up to FITZHERBERT's face, who kicks him behind.] Õh, sir! you've touched a tender chord. Fitz. [putting on boots.] Straps, any letters this morning? Straps. Not as I'm aweer on, sir. Between you and me and the bedpost, sir, I think that ere postman's heither taken to intoxicatin' liquors, or he's fallen a wictim to the measles; there's a lot on 'em about. Fitz. Lot o' what? Straps. Measles, sir, floatin' about in the most fear. Straps. Ah, my poppet, that's in consequence of my being hedicated at Hoxford! I took my degree at Brazenface, in Halmer Mater. Mary. Lor', Mr. Straps, what degree did they give you? Straps. Bachelor o' harts, my love. Mary. Oh! what cruel people! but you are not hut-going to remain a bachelor, I hope, Mr. Straps, are you? Fitz. Well, Straps, you must keep a sharp lookout; I'm sitting on thorns. Straps. Well, sir, that's an huncommon disagreeable seat for a gentleman as has a country seat, and one as I'd never choose o' my own haccord. Fitz. Straps, things are coming to a climax, you must be extra diligent; if your mistress should get to know my secret, the game is up. Straps. Well, sir, I'll do my best to prevent things going to a climax, but where that ere place is I'm not in a position to lay my finger on, as my 'graphical edication was sadly neglected. Fitz. You know her handwriting, Straps? Straps. Her 'andwriting? I should rather think I do. I wasn't a heruption o' buttons in your haunt's 'ouse at Brompton for nothink. Oh, no, I'm tolerable familiar with the rummy ways of that ere elderly party. Fitz. Well, Straps, of course you're aware that were my aunt to be cognizant of my marriage, all my expectations from that quarter would vanish into thin air, as Macbeth says. Straps. Mr. Macbeth was right for once-he Straps. Oh, dear, no! not if I knows it-not if my popskyvopski will let me lead her to the hymenial halter, as they says in the noosepapers. Mary. Oh, you insinuating creature! Mrs. F. [without.] Have you gone, Mary? Mary. Oh, lor', there's missis! I must run away, Mr. Straps. [Crosses to door L. Straps. Vy, vere are you hoff to, my 'Iland las[Bringing her to C. Mary. To the circulating library to bring missis a novel, and to call at the post-office. sie? Straps. To the post-office! [Aside.] Here's a go-vot the doose vill master say, should she get hold of his letters? Vy, there'll be a heruption like a sackful of squibs. [To MARY.] Never mind the post, my turtle dove, I'll look arter that. Mary. You needn't trouble yourself, Mr. Straps; I know my place, not like some people I could mention, but won't for fear of 'urtin' their feelings. Straps. Now vot's your little game-vot hare you a drivin' at? Mary. I know all about it, Mr. Straps-missus has told me all. [Gets to door L. Straps. [Seizing her.] Here, you mustn't go. [She boxes his ears and exits, door L. Gone to the post-office-why, she's sure to get hold of master's letter. I must foller or perish in the hattempt. [About to go out at door, L. Enter MRS. FITZHERBERT, R. Mrs. F. Straps! Straps. Yes, mum. Mrs. F. Where are you going? Straps. Well, mum, if you wants to know very particular where I was goin' to, I was a going to take Cæsar and Pompey for their constitootional. Mrs. F. Oh, never mind taking the dogs out to-day, I shall want you to look after the greenhouse this morning. Straps. [Aside.] I shall be floored, that's hevident. Mrs. F. What did you say, Straps? Straps. Nothing, ma'am; I was merely holdin' a private hexamination as to the hextent of my agricultural knowledge, and the opinion of the jury is as it's exceedingly questionable. Mrs. F. You will do very well, Straps, for what I require. [Sits R. of C. table. Straps. Very well, mum. [Aside.] If this here ain't a snare to entrap me-a combined haction of the henemy! [Aloud.] Very well, mum, I'll do my best, and the best can do no more. What is it to be, mum-is it to be a bucket? Mrs. F. A what? Straps. A bucket, mum. Straps. Why, mum, one of them nosegay things you ladies are so fond of smellin' on when you goes out to swell parties. Mrs. F. Oh, a bouquet. Straps. Yes, mum, a bokay. You'll excuse my pronunciation of the Greek language; hat Hoxford we only devoted ourselves to Latin, and them there light sort o' things. Mrs. F. I think you were a good deal with your master at Oxford. Straps. Lor' bless you, mum, we was hinseparable, we was; we was has hinseparable as the Siamese twins. They used to say of hi and master as we were a reg'lar pair of demons and pity us. Mrs. F. [aside.] Oh! how could Augustus tolerate such familiarity. [To STRAPS.] Your master was a great scholar. Straps. Oh, master knows a deal, he do. Wisdom oozes out of master like perspiration; he was more like a perambulatin' cyclopedy than a human creetur. Lor', mum, it would have made your eyes sore to a' seed him in the morning with a wet towel wrapped round his head; and, oh! the passion he 'ad for soda water at them ere times, it was 'stonishin', that it wor'. Mrs. F. Indeed! I suppose that was in consequence of his having worked so hard at night? Straps. Hexactly, ma'am. Many's the time I've seen him sit up hall night and fall off his cheer out o' sheer exhaustion, and then I've took compassion on 'im and carried 'im up to bed, where he lay for all the world like a babe in the wood, and I the only little robin left to cover him. Mrs. F. [aside.] Poor Augustus! And this was to make himself worthy of me; alas! how he has degenerated. [To STRAPS.] I think I've heard he passed a brilliant examination, Straps. Straps. Brilliant, did you say, ma'am? Why, the big wigs was so pleased with master that they gave him a hongcore, as they do at the theyaters, and actually hallowed him to go back to his hone room, and work it all over agin. Mrs. F. [wiping her eyes-aside.] Poor Augustus! How he must have thought of me in the midst of all his triumphs. [To STRAPS.] It must have been a proud moment for him, Straps. Straps. Proud! bless yer, master warn't a bit proud, he arn't that sort; but he had to take to the wet towel and soda water agin. Why, they used to say, at the Black Bull, that Mr. Fitzherbert kept a manufactory of soda water so 'ard a goin', that they 'ad to hadvertise for fresh 'ands in all quarters of the huniverse. Enter MARY, door L. Mrs. F. [with great agitation.] Well, any letters? Straps. coming down L. of MARY.] Are there any letters for master, 'cos if there is, you will please, young 'omnan, 'and 'em over to Samivel Straps, Esquire. Mrs. F. Straps, leave the room, sir! Straps. [going off] My hye, if they ain't a been and gone and done it! [Whipering.] Mary! [MARY turns round and shakes the letter at him in triumph. Aside.] Good heavens, there's the dd billy dux-my legs his a givin' way. Hi know master'll screw my neck out, but has I'm not to blame, it'll be a slaughter of a hinnocent! [Exit. Mrs. F. [excitedly.] Now Mary, the letter! Mary. Here you is, mum, and as you 'nosticated Mrs. F. [faintly.] Oh, Mary, say it is not in a woman's handwriting! Mary. Well, mum, I won't, only I'm sure it is not a man's. I'm quite positive of that, mum! Mrs. F. [sinks into a seat.] Give it to me, and let me know the worst. [MARY gives the letter with great alarm, looking at letter and bursting into tears.] Too true-too true! [In a passion of grief.] Oh, Mary-Mary, my heart is broken! Straps. [peeping in at door. Here's a go! Hi wish I could issue the card of invitation at once to that old haunt, bless'd if I wouldn't invite a select party to meet her. Mrs. F. Well, Mary, what are we to do? Mary. [sobbing.] Well, mum, I think we'd better have a good long cry first. [Both weeping. Straps. [at door.] If this 'ere vork continues, hi shall have to run for the parish engines. Why the deuce don't they open the letter? Mary. Are you better, mum? Mrs. F. Yes, I feel much relieved. Mary. Ah, mum, there's nothing like a good cry when you feels in the humor; it's so cheerful like, mum. Mrs. F. Mary, would there be any harm in our opening the letter? Mary. Not by no means, mum. Hif a young man of mine was to carry on a correspondence unbeknownst to me, I should think it but right and proper to make myself acquainted with their billy duxes. Straps. [at door.] Oh! you're a nice werdent hinnocent, you are, but I shouldn't be such a fool as master. Mrs. F. Well, I think you're right, Mary. [Opening letter. Mrs. F. Look here, look here! This this [looking at signature of letter] this bold hussythis Jemima Wiggles, dares to address my husband as her "Dear Augustus." Mary. Oh! the impertinent minx. Who'd a thought it? Mrs. F. Hear what she says. [Reading letter.] "My dear Augustus.-You wicked boy to run away and leave me." Mary, I shall faint. Mary. Go on, mum, go on, mum. Mary. No, mum, you can do that after you've read the letter. Mrs. F. [reading.] "But I have found you out, and intend giving you a surprise this very day." Mary, this is too much; I must faint. Mary. Go on, mum, go on. Mrs. F. [continuing letter.] "So expect me down by the four train, and don't be silly and make any fuss for me, as the charm of your society will amply compensate for any shortcomings in the entertainment. Yours very affectionately, Jemima Wiggles." [MRS. FITZHERBERT drops the letter and falls fainting in chair, R. of table. Straps. [at door.] Hurra! she doesn't come till four. I think we can blindfold the old crow after all. [Disappears. MRS. FITZHERBERT sobs bitterly. Mary. Oh! don't take on, mum, please don't; it hurts my feelings. you believe it, those idiots actually gave her the direction! Straps. The hasses! Fitz. But I may lead the old lady a chase yet; any letter from her? Straps. Let-ter-si-r? Oh, sir, forgive metake compassion on the wictim of a' orrid plot! [Falls on his knees. Fitz. Why, what do you mean-what ails the man? You've been drinking, sir! Straps. I vish I'ad; but as I told you this morning, that 'ere postman's taken to intoxicating liquors. Fitz. What the devil is the meaning of all this? Speak out, you rascal, or I'll break every bone in your body. [Seizes him by the throat. Straps. Mind my juggler, sir-mind my juggler! Fitz. Speak out, sir! Straps. Well, sir, the letter's come- Fitz. Wish you had it! Why, who has it, then? Fitz. [seizing him again.] You infernal idiot, you gave it her. Now tell me a falsehood and I'll choke you! Straps. Well, sir, our Mary deserted to the henemy, and while she was sent to the post-office, missis kep me here. [To Fitz. Fool that I was to trust to that. STRAPS.] Get out of the room, lily-faced knave, or I'll pitch you through the window! [Kicks him off, door L.] So the cat's out of the bag at last, and I suppose I must go through with it. Now for Louisa, and here she comes! Enter MRS. FITZHERBERT, door R. I hope you are better, love, yet you look pale; this Mrs. F. Oh, Mary! I shall never be able to hold up my head again. To think that I should be a party in a case of bigamy. The monster! what is, indeed, folly. have I ever done to merit such treatment? Mary. Aye, indeed, mum, the monster-the wicked monster-these men-these men, mum, | they're all alike-wolves in sheep's clothing! Mrs. F. But I shall be revenged, Mary. Oh, yes, I shall have my revenge! This matter shall be fully laid before the public, that they may arrive at a proper conclusion. Mary. That is right, mum-them's my sentiments, precisely-shall I send for the police, mum? Mrs. F. Not yet, Mary, not yet we must be cautious. Take me to my room before your master returns, and I'll give him a surprise-such a surprise! [Exit door R. Mary. Aye, such a surprise-the begimal monster! [Exit door R. Enter STRAPS, door L. Straps. Straps, you're undone Straps, you're a gone coon-Straps, I'm not at all prepared to swear but what you're in himinent peril of 'avin' your bones made into a razor paste the very moment your master 'as the honor of meeting you. [Noise without.] Talk of the devil and here he comes-now for a rumpus. Enter FITZHERBERT, hurriedly, L. Fitz. Straps, our hiding-place is discovered! Straps. You don't say so? Fitz. I called at the club in Pall Mall, where they informed me that a person corresponding with the description of my aunt had been there the day before, and inquiring for my address, when, would Mrs. F. Augustus Mr. Fitzherbert-I must request of you to be serious for once. Fitz. What! not yet recovered from the morning's attack, my dear? Had I known this, I should have remained in town. Mrs. F. Aye, sir; had you known what I have discovered, you would indeed have remained in town. Fitz. My dear, I am not in a humor for joking. I think- -a-that you have a letter for me. Mrs. F. [beginning to cry.] Would it had never come into my hands! Fitz. Show it me, my darling, and let me see whether it justifies your extraordinary reception of me. [Hands it to him--he reads it and bursts into a loud fit of laughter. Mrs. F. This levity is most unbecoming, Mr. Fitzherbert, not to say unkind; "my wrongs should make me sacred." Fitz. [still laughing.] Louisa, you are a mystery, and did I not love you I could positively feel angry. Now, listen to me; the writer of this letter is in every way entitled to my regard and affection, and when you know her better, as you shall do, you will find that she not only merits my respect, but also has claims upon yours. Mrs. F. Augustus, I don't understand you. Fitz. Exercise a little patience, dear, and all shall be satisfactorily explained. This lady [pointing to letter] states, as you are aware [MRS. FITZHERBERT holds down her head] that she will be here at four [referring to watch]; it is now five minutes to that hour. You shall be present at our interview and judge for yourself. |