the whole time. Yet the fellow, but for his unaccountable bashfulness is pretty well too. He has good sense, but then so buried in his fears, that it fatigues one more than ignorance. If I could teach him a little confidence, it would be doing somebody that I know of a piece of service. But who is that somebody?—that, faith, is a question I can scarce answer. [Exit, R.

Enter TONY and Miss NEVille, r.

Tony. What do you follow me for, cousin Con? I wonder you're not ashamed to be so very engaging.

Miss N. I hope, cousin, one may speak to one's own relations, and not be to blame.

Tony. Ay, but I want to know what sort of a relation you want to make me though; but it won't do. I tell you, cousin Con, it won't do, so I beg you'll keep your distance, I want no nearer relationship.

[She follows coquetting him to the back scene.

Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE and HASTINGS, R.

Mrs. H. Well, I vow, Mr. Hastings, you're very entertaining. There is nothing in the world I love to talk of so much as London, and the fashions, though I was never there myself.

Hast. Never there! You amaze me! From your air and manner, I concluded you had been bred all your life either at Ranelagh, St. James's, or Tower Wharf.

We

Mrs. H. Oh, sir, you're only pleased to say so. country persons can have no manner at all. I'm in love with the town, and that serves to raise me above some of our neighboring rustics; but who can have a manner that has never seen the Pantheon, the Grotto Gardens, the Borough, and such places where the nobility chiefly resort? All I can do, is to enjoy London at second hand. I take care to know every tête-à-tête from the Scandalous Magazine, and have all the fashions, as they come out, in a letter from the two Miss Rickets of Crooked-lane. Pray how do you like this head, Mr. Hastings!

Hast. Extremely elegant and degagee, upon my word, madam. Your friseur is a Frenchman, I suppose?

Mrs. H. I protest I dressed it myself from a print in the ladies' memorandum book for the last year.

Har Indeed! such a head in a side-box at the playhouse, would draw as many gazers as my Lady Mayoress at a city ball.

Mrs. H. I vow, since inoculation began, there is no such thing to be seen as a plain woman; so one must dress a little particular, or one may escape in a crowd. Hast. But that can never be your case, madam, in any dress. [Bowing.

Mrs. H. Yet what signifies my dressing, when I have such a piece of antiquity by my side as Mr. Hardcastle? All I can say will not argue down a single button from his clothes. I have often wanted him to throw off his great flaxen wig, and where he was bald, to plaster it over, like Captain Pately, with powder.

Hast. You are right, madam; for, as among the ladies, there are none ugly, so among the men, there are none old.

Mrs. H. But what do you think his answer was? Why, with his usual gothic vivacity, he said, I only wanted him to throw off his wig to convert it into a tete for my own wearing.

Hast. Intolerable! At your age you may wear what you please, and it must become you.

Mrs. H. Pray, Mr. Hastings, what do you take to be the most fashionable age about town?

Hast. Some time ago forty was all the mode; but I'm told the ladies intend to bring up fifty for the ensuing winter.

Mrs. H. Seriously! Then I shall be too young for the fashion.

Hast. No lady begins to put on jewels now till she's past forty. For instance, Miss there, in a polite circle, would be considered as a child, a mere maker of samplers.

Mrs. H. And yet my niece thinks herself as much a woman, and is as fond of jewels as the oldest of us all. Hast. Your niece, is she? And that young gentleman, a brother of yours, I should presume?

Mrs. H. My son, sir. They are contracted to each other. Observe their little sports. They quarrel and make it up again ten times a day, as if they were man and wife already. [To them.] Well, Tony, child, what

soft things are you saying to your cousin Constance this evening.

Tony. I have been saying no soft things; but that it's very hard to be followed about so. Ecod, I've not a place in the house now that's left to myself but the stable. Mrs. H. Never mind him, Con, my dear. He's in another story behind your back.

Miss N. There's something generous in my cousin's He falls out before faces to be forgiven in

manner.

private.

Tony. That's a damned, confounded-crack, Mrs. H. For shame, Tony. You a man, and behave so! Tony. If I'm a man, let me have my fortin. Ecod! I'll not be made a fool of any longer.

Mrs. H. Is this, ungrateful boy, all that I'm to get for the pains I've taken in your education? Did not I work that waistcoat and those ruffles to make you look like a gentleman ?

Tony. Ecod! I tell you I'll not be made a fool of any longer.

Mrs. H. Wasn't it all for your good, viper? Wasn't it all for your good?

Tony. I wish you'd let me and my good alone then. Snubbing this way, when I'm in spirits. If I'm to have any good let it come of itself; not to keep dingling it, dingling it into one so.

Mrs. H. That's false; I never see you when you're in spirits. No, Tony, you then go to the alehouse or kennel. I'm never to be delighted with your agreeable, wild notes, unfeeling monster!

Tony. Ecod! mamma, your own notes are the wildest of the two.

Mrs. H. Was ever the like! But I see he wants to break my heart, I see he does.

Hast. Dear madam, permit me to lecture the young gentleman a little. I'm certain I can persuade him to his duty.

Mrs. H. Well! I must retire. Come, Constance, my love. You see, Mr. Hastings, the wretchedness of my situation was ever poor woman so plagued with a dear, sweet, pretty, provoking, undutiful boy!

[Exeunt Mrs. Hardcastle and Miss Neville, R.

Hard. I do stir about a great deal, that's certain. Half the differences of the parish are adjusted in this very parlor.

Mar. [After drinking.] And you have an argument in your cup, old gentleman, better than any in Westminster Hall.

Hard. Ay, young gentleman, that, and a little philosophy.

Mar. [Aside.] Well, this is the first time I ever heard of an innkeeper's philosophy.

Hast. So then, like an experienced general, you attack them on every quarter. If you find their reason manageable, you attack it with your philosophy; if you find they have no reason, you attack them with this. Here's your health, my philosopher. [Drinks.

Hard. Good, very good, thank you; ha! ha! Your generalship puts me in mind of Prince Eugene, when he fought the Turks at the battle of Belgrade. You shall

hear.

Mar. Instead of the battle of Belgrade, I think it's almost time to talk about supper. What has your philosophy got in the house for supper?

Hard. For supper, sir? [Aside.] Was ever such a request made to a man in his own house?

Mar. Yes, sir, supper, sir; I begin to feel an appetite. I shall make devilish work to-night in the larder, I promise you.

Hard. [Aside.] Such a brazen dog sure never my eyes beheld. [To Marlow.] Why, really, sir, as for supper, I can't well tell. My Dorothy and the cook-maid settle these things between them. I leave these kind of things entirely to them.

Mar. You do, do you?

Hard. Entirely. By-the-by, I believe they are in actual consultation upon what's for supper this moment in the kitchen.

Mar. Then I beg they'll admit me as one of their privy council. It's a way I have got. When I travel, I always choose to regulate my own supper. Let the cook be called. No offence, I hope, sir?

Hard. Oh, no, sir, none in the least: yet I don't know how; our Bridget, the cook-maid, is not very communica

tive upon these occasions.

Should we send for her, she

might scold us all out of the house.

Hast. Let's see the list of the larder then. I ask it as a favor. I always match my appetite to my bill of fare. Mar. [To Hardcastle, who looks at them with surprise.] Sir, he's very right, and it's my way too.

Hard. Sir, you have a right to command here. Here, Roger, bring us the bill of fare for to-night's supper. I believe it's drawn out. Your manner, Mr. Hastings, puts me in mind of my uncle, Colonel Gunthorp. It was a saying of his, that no man was sure of his supper till he had eaten it.

Enter ROGER with a bill of fare.

Hast. [Aside.] All upon the high ropes! His uncle a colonel-we shall soon hear of his mother being a justice of the peace. But let's hear the bill of fare.

[Exit Roger, L. Mar. [Perusing.] What's here? For the first course, for the second course, for the dessert. The devil, sir, do you think we have brought down the whole joiner's company, or the corporation of Bedford? Two or three little things, clean and comfortable, will do.

Hast. But let's hear it.

Mar. [Reading.] "For the first course at the top, a pig's face and prune sauce."

Hast. Damn your pig, I say.

Mar. Damn your prune sauce, say I.

Hard. And yet, gentlemen, to men that are hungry, pig, with prune sauce, is very good eating. But, gentlemen, you are my guests, make what alterations you please. Is there anything else you wish to retrench or alter, gentlemen?

Send

Mar. Why, really, sir, your bill of fare is so exquisite, that any one part of it is full as good as another. us what you please. So much for supper. And now to see that our beds are aired, and luggage properly taken care of.

Hard. I entreat you'll leave all that to me. You shall not stir a step.

Mar. Leave that to you! I protest, sir, you must excuse me, I always look to these things myself.