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offensive Van Smelt! If I could only pick up the two hundred pounds reward! (intercepts him moving off.)— Halt!
Smith. That florid Preventive here? I'll bother him ! (begins gesticulating and spluttering gibberish, not a vistage of his face being seen).
Lar. Is it yourself, my Dutch darling? I've been longing to take you by the swallow this month and more. Come along. (seizes him, calling) Hirroo! Mr. Cockletop!
Cockle. (from window) What's the matter?
Lar. I've got him !I've caught the Dutch devil at last! Here's Van Smelt!
Smith. (aside) Oh! I'm a Dutch devil, am I?
Lar. Now for a peep at him. (they struggle-SMITH throws the cloak over LARRY, hits him right and left, spluttering Dutch, and then runs off, R. V. E.)
Enter COCKLETOP, L.
Cockle. Now for a peep at him. [COCKLETOP seizes O’LUGGER, who emerges with his hat
crushed, throws the cloak over COCKLETOP, hitting him right and left.]
Cockle. (under cloak) Help!-help!--murder! (emerges with his hat beaten over his eyes).
Lar. Why, Mr. Cockletop, is that yourself? Oh, the big scoundrel ! CockLE. Who? me ?
Lar. No, he—the Dutchman. The ruffian punched my stomach.
Cockle. The monster pitched into my ditto!
Lar. Did he? Well, just now there's something more important. Would you believe it?-my intended fatherin-law turns out to be-(runs to shop and calls) Mrs. Smith ! (returning) Yes my father-in-law turns out to be(calling) Miss Sally! you're wanted here, you two darlin' rogues of the world-quick!
Mrs. Smith and Sally rush from shop.
Mrs. S. (dignified.) Mr. Laurence O’Lugger, how you
can have the face to look me in the countenance again
Lar. Take cool, my dear old friend; and tell me about as quick as winking, where's Mr. Smith ? He must be be found this moment. It's a question of life and death to this unfortunate man's neck (pointing to COCKLETOP.)
Cockle. (starting.) My neck! What do you mean?
Lar. Judge for yourself. I went to the Justice's. There I found his Worship, perfectly sober, I give you my honor, with the Custom-house Officer of the District, overhauling papers together. Larry (said Justice) look out for one Thomas Smith, who landed early to-day at Broadstairs, and arrived within these three hours at Margate. Then give Cockletop these papers, and tell him if he has failed to do his duty, I'll strike his head off in
Court. Cockle. (jumping off ground.) What?
Lar. No—I mean, I'll strike him off the head of my Court-he shall be discharged this moment entirely, (gruing papers).
Cockle. (reading.) Ah! what do I see? Is it possible ? My poor dear friend! Where is he?
Mrs. S. Where is he? That's what we want to know. We left him here with you.
Cockle. Yes, but he refused the dinner, the shelter, the house-room I offered him, and ran off like mad.
Lar. Then suppose we all run after him separately altogether: he can't be far off. To think he should turn out to be- Mr. Smith! Mr. Smith !
[Exit bawling, R. V. E. Cockle. I always thought he'd turn out to be- -Smith! Gotobed Smith !
Exit bawling, L. Mrs. S. What has he turned out to be ? Smith ! and
Exeunt in different directions. Smith appears at back, ascending cliff: Voices heard call.
ing “ Smith.” Smith. Do you hear that ? The bloodhounds are after me! They have evidently got upon my smell! Before me lies the sea ! (looking over). It looks as deep as my despair' perhaps a little deeper!
Voices. Smith! Smith ! Smith !
bark of Sarah Smith! and her bark is a joke to her bite ! Where shall I find rest but in the bosom of the Briny ? I've no choice left! Bosom of the Briny, receive me to your bottom! (change of tone.) I wonder if I've forgot my swimming! (imitating violent swimming).
Enter LARRY, with carbine, R.
Lar. I thought I saw a voice.
, off, vile garment ! Upon my life, it's very cold. Perhaps I should find it warmer if I jumped in with my clothes on. (Swimming again.)
Lar. (seeing him.) 'Tis he! Hallo, Mr. Smith! What's that telegraphing about ? Come down directly, by order of the Quarter Sessions !
Smith. Quarter Sessions! Vile tool of despotism, bear my answer back to the Quarter Sessions ! Behold ! (hand to his nose).
Lar. Will you come down, or by the living Jingo, shall I bring you down ? (preparing carbine.)
Smith. That depends on circumstances. Is your living Jingo loaded ?
Lar. To the muzzle; and I give you my honor as a gentleman, I'll shoot you dead; I will, upon my soul. (pointing carbine)
Smith. Loaded? You don't mean that? Wait a mi. nute-no damned nonsense. Vile tool, do let me put my coat on (puts on coat inside out, with white sleeves).
Lar. Come down, I say. Smith. I'm coming! (folds his arms and descends slowly from cliff.) Vile tool, I surrender! (comes forward.)
Lar. (calling.) Mr. Cockletop, Mrs. Smith, Sally, como here,
I have got him.
COCKLETOP, Mrs. SMITH, and SALLY, rush on.
Sal. Hold him fast!
Mrs. S. Tie him neck and heels! (they tie his hands with colored handkerchief.)
Smith. Vile myrmidons, you can torture my wretched
wrists, you can shackle my poor shins and ancles, but my immortal spirit-the divine portion of me--will see you damned first !
Cockle. Smith, your brain's turned! Your mad! We come to save you !
Smith. Mad, and come and shave me! The cold-blooded ruffians !
Cockle. You won't believe it, Mr. Smith; but you are an innocent man. Mrs. S. As innocent a man as
I ! Cockle. Yes, my dear friend. It was another Smith the sharks were after, twenty years ago—the notorious Tom Smith, the Cornwall smuggler. It
he was taken a month after, and transported at the Falmouth Assizes, confessing he had drifted a whole cargo of French brandy ashore off Broadstairs. You ran off without stopping to hear reason.
If you won't believe your innocence without proofs, look here. (giving papers).
Smith. Gracious Powers! I can't make head or tail of them—the joy is too much! Just be ready there, behind -I faint. (fainting.)
Mrs. S. Poor dear Totts, of him? Sally, bring a bucket of water.
Smith. (jumping up.) Sally, I'll trouble you not to trouble yourself.
Cockle. Justice Napper is very sorry for the mistake. Smith. I give Napper my honor, so am I.
Cockle. His former Clerk, Docket, your friendly informant, was evidently misled by the misnomer; the name, you see (shewing paper,) is s, m, i, t, h, Smith, whereas the Pirate's was s, m, y, t, h-Smyth—a gross informality of my
Lord Chief Justice. Smith. I see-an I for a Y! Then tell the Lord Chief Justice of England, the next time he issues a warrant against me, he had better mind his I's !
Cock. King George restores you to all your civil rights.
Smith. Think of that! Restored to all my civil rights by George ! (to Mrs. Smith.) Give me a kiss, old boy ! (to COCKLETOP.) Come to my arms, old girl ! !
Lar. (r.) And what has Larry O’Lugger done, that you don't kiss me?
Smith. Too generous and florid marine ! I recollect. He was going to shoot me to save my
life! Sal. Dear Mr. O’Lugger!
Smith. If he is dear to you, Sally, you shall be his reward. (joins their hands.) There!
Mrs. S. I consent.
Smith. Embrace each other. (they embrace.) In fact, let us embrace, all three ! (embracing).
Mrs. S. All three ? All four! (embracing the three). Cockle. All four? All five! (embracing in a lump). Omnes. Oh, happiness! (all exclaiming together).
Smith. (looking at COCKLETOP.) Cockletop, when you've quite done with Mrs. Smith, let me know. I feel an unmis. takable impulse to resume my civil rights—including Mrs. Smith-my next step will be to take immediate possession of the Gotobed property. Well, well
, after all the roughs he has met with, to think that Gotobed Tom should find a smooth place at last! (kissing his wife). And considering how very long I've been very dead, I feel pretty lively—I do indeed. (advancing to AUDIENCE.) In fact, there's nothing wanting now but your smiles, to give life-new life -long life-to
“GOTOBED TOM !"