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voice of an indignant four-and-twenty pounder, exclain" I'll tell father-see if I don't !”.

Sal. Alas! I've got no father!
Smith. Don't be too sure of that.
Sal. I never had a father.
Smith. (confidentially) Don't be too sure of that.

[BELLS heard.

Sal. Do you hear? There go the bells; and, lookhere come the guests.

[Two Men pass over stage R., and enter shop L. -Those ugly Gimps and Bobbins.

Smith. Oh! that's Gimps and Bobbins, is it? It strikes me I'll be a match for Gimp and Bobbins. (to her) I've just come three thousand miles for the express purpose of matching Gimp and Bobbins. Fear not. I'll stand by you.

Farewell. Sal. Farewell! Is that the way you mean to stand by me ? Smith. I'm at hand, though invisible. In

your extrem ity, call extremely loud, “Gotobed, Once! Gotobed, Twice! Gotobed, Three times !” Call with a voice of thunder, and like a flash of lightning I'll appear!

[Exit U. R. E Sal. (c) Gotobed with a voice of thunder !-Gotobed, with a flash of lightning! I declare I'm half afraid. O my! and suppose the old gentleman was the real old gentleman! Well—so much the better-he'll be a match for mother.

Bells. -Enter Mrs. Smith arm in arm with the reluc

tant Larry, and followed by Mr. and Mrs. GIMP, and MR. and Mrs. BOBBINS, all in bridal array.

Mrs. G. (L.) Well, I do declare you look charming, Mrs. Smith.

Mrs. S. You're very good, Gimp, I'm sure. (sees Sally) Ah, Sally; you're just come in time, child. Where's my new cap ?

Sal. (pouting) Milliner says it won't be ready 'fore to

niorrow, She told me to tell you she didn't know you was 80 pressed.

Mrs. S. (R.) Provoking! Then we must go without it.

Sal. (aside) Must you! Then it's high time to call the old gentleman, (very loud) Gotobed, Once !

Mrs. S. Go to bed at once! What does the girl mean? How dare you use such language, hussy ?

Lar. (on the other side) Sally, sweet Sally, tell mewhat shall I do ?

Sal. (thundering) Gotobed Two!
Lar. Go to bed too? Ingenious darlin'!

Mrs. S. The slut's mad! Mr. O'Lugger, I'll thank you to drop her hand and take my arm. You, minx, fol. low with Mr. Cockletop, when you know how to behave. Now, neighbors, as nobody sees just cause or impediment, come along

Sal. (thundering) This is the last time of asking-Gotobed, Three times ]

SMITH advances, R. and meets the wedding party.

Smith. Ladies and Gentlemen in general, and Sarah Smith in particular-you've made a slight mistake—there is a small cause and impediment.

Sal. (exulting) The old gentleman, I declare !
Omnes. (retreating) The old gentleman !
Lar. The divil it is ?

Mrs. S. (turning her back with dignity) Who is this person? What do you want, man

Smith. What does man want ? Man demands his wife! Man forbids this bigamacious marriage!

Mrs. S. Big what ? (crosses to c.) Sir, my indignation only allows me to say, pooh, pooh! 'Go along.

Smith. Madam, Madam, I am not to be pooh-pooh'd : still less am I to be go-along'd. My simple expression was, this bigamacious marriage; and as Dr. Johnson defines bigamy to be, substantive, the crime of marrying a second wife or husband, the first being alive, I am prepared to make deliberate oath that your first husband is not deadand, what's more, never was dead at any moment of his existence!

Mys. S. My husband alive! This is growing no joke.

First Performed at the Royal Olympic Theatre, Thursday,

November 25th, 1952.

CAST OF CHARACTERS.

Christopher Cockletop (Attorney, and Clerk to Police and
Sessions Courts)

Mr. Cooke. Thomas (Gotobed Smith

Mr. Compton. Larry OʻLugger (of the Coast Guard)

Mr. Shalders. Boy

Master Marchant. Mr. Gimp.

Mr. Laporte. Mr. Bobbins (Wedding Guests)

Mr. Harris. Mrs. Smith (Smith's Wife)

Mrs. Bartlett. Sally Smith

Miss Ellen Turner, Mrs. Gimp

Miss Pitt. Mrs. Bobbins

(Wedding Guests)
Time in Performance, One Hour.

{ Miss H. Pitt.

COSTUMES.

COCKLETOP.-Black body coat, waistcoat and breeches, long black

gaiters, and shoes. SMITH.-Drab shooting-coat, light waistcoat and trowsers with the

Yankee stripe, wide-awake hat, long rough black coat with high

collar and red lining. LARRY.-Rough blue jacket and trowsers, red waistcoat, high boots,

glazed hat, cutlass and belt. MRS. SMITH SALLY

Ordinary wedding dresses.

RELATIVE POSITIONS. R. means Right; L. Left; R. D. Right Door; L. D. Left Door ; 8. E. Second Entrance ; U. E. Upper Entrance ; M. D. Middle Door;

P. the Flat; D. F. Door in Flat.

GOTOBED TOM.

SCENE.-On the right, COCKLETOP's House, with brass plate

on door ; practicable ground floor window-On the left, a substantial Shop, inscribed Sarah Smith, Widow, Dealer in Coffee, Tea, Tobacco, and Snuf;" this in. scription conspicuous-A bench before the window-At the back, a cliff and flagstaff-In distance the Thames, with vessels, fc.

Enter LARRY O’LUGGER and Sally SMITH, from Shop, L. H.

Lar. Come, Miss Sally_dear Miss Sally—don't be afraid. Don't I tell you your mamma ain't at home, 'cause she's gone out ?—and while the cat's away, can't the mice be happy and comfortable ?

Sal. "But I don't want to be happy and comfortable; and it's very

unkind of

you to want me to be happy and comfortable, Sir, when you know everything's settled for your marriage with my mamma, and this very morning you lead her to the Hymen-evil Altar, you monster you? Lar. It's all a mistake. The elderly ould woman has

my sweethearting of you down to her own score, I hadn't the heart to tell her 'twasn't ould Sally but young Sally I was after. I couldn't hurt her feelings

Sal. You should have spoke out, Sir.
Lar. I would if I could.
Sal. You ought to have could, Sir,

put all

ous.

Lar. But if I couldn't, how could I ? Here am I, Mr. Larry O'Lugger, Esquire, a Preventive Service Man of the Margate Coast Guard, put up to put down smuggling, and to think that I can't do myself the service to prevent this desperate female smuggling me into matrimony! But never mind, when I'm your father I'll take care you don't marry anybody but me.

Sal. You don't talk nonsense. Good bye, Sir : I've got to go to the dressmaker's and get mother's wedding cap that she means to cock at you. (crying) Oh! Oh! When next we meet you'll be my father-good bye, papa. Oh! Oh!

Lar. (crying) Oh! Oh! I must do something despe. rate, and desperate quick. First, I'll run down to our Station-perhaps I shall pick up an idea on the road. In less than half-an-hour expect me back.

Mrs. S. (from COCKLETOP's house) Come along. Why won't you come along, Mr. Cockletop ?

Cockle. (from the same) Mrs. Smith, you're too impetu

Sal. (frightened) Mother, I declare, with Mr. Cockle top the lawyer! Lar. With who? Sal. The lawyer.

Lar. The divil! Then I'll slip my cable and run. You steer to the dressmaker's, and mind the wedding cap fits you, for I tell you nobody else shall wear it. They're coming! - run, my darlin'.

[Exit Sally, L. -It's a deal too bad that a young man should suffer like this, and all because he can't hurt a woman's feelings !

[Exit, R. U. E. Enter Mrs. Smith and COCKLETOP, from COCKLETOP'S

house, R. H. Mrs. S. Mr. Cockletop, I'm surprised at you; here have I been waiting for you a good half-hour, and let me tell you that bridling one's self on one's bridal morning's no joke, Sir.

Cockle. And so you have chosen another husband, number two, eh, Mrs. Smith ? I don't doubt he'll turn out a better bargain than your number one,

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