Sneer. That I would, indeed.

Puff. Very well, sir; then we must go on. Zounds! I would not have parted with the description of the horse!-Well, sir, go on. Sir, it was one of the finest and most laboured things. Very well, sir, let them go on;-there you had him and his accoutrements from the bit to the crupper. Very well, sir, we must go to the park scene. Under P. Sir, there is the point; the carpenters say, that unless there is some business put in here before the drop, they sha'n't have time to clear away the fort, or sink Gravesend and the river.

Puff. So! this is a pretty dilemma truly ! "Gentlemen, you must excuse me; these fellows will never be ready, unless I go and look after them myself.

Sneer. O dear sir; these little things will happen. Puff. To cut out this scene! But I'll print it; egad! I'll print it every word!

Beef. Tho' hopeless love finds comfort in despair, 'It never can endure a rival's bliss!

'But soft-I am observ'd.'

[Exit.

Dan. That's a very short soliloquy. Puff. Yes, but it would have been a great deal longer if he had not been observed.

Sneer. A most sentimental Beef-eater that, Mr. Puff.

Puff. Harkye-I would not have you be too sure that he is a Beef-eater.

Sneer. What, a hero in disguise?

Puff. No matter;-I only give you a hint. But now for my principal character. Here he comes : Lord Burleigh in person! Pray, gentlemen, step this way;-softly-I only hope the Lord High Treasurer is perfect!-If he is but perfect

Enter BURLEIGH, goes slowly to a chair and sits. Sneer. Mr. Puff!

Puff. Hush! vastly well, sir! vastly well! a most interesting gravity!

Dan. What, isn't he to speak at all?

Puff. Egad! I thought you'd ask me that;yes, it is a very likely thing,-that a minister in his situation, with the whole affairs of the nation on his head, should have time to talk ;-but hush! or you'll put him out.

Sneer. Put him out! how the plague can that be, if he's not going to say any thing?

Puff. There's a reason! Why his part is to think, and how the plague do you imagine he can think if you keep talking?

Dan. That's very true, upon my word!

[Burleigh comes forward, shakes his head, and exit. Sneer. He is very perfect indeed. Now, pray what did he mean by that?

Puff. You don't take it?

Sneer. No; I don't upon my soul.

Puff. Why, by that shake of the head, he gave you to understand, that even though they had more

sures, yet, if there was not a greater spirit shewn on the part of the people, the country would at last fall a sacrifice to the hostile ambition of the Spanish monarchy.

Sneer. The devil! Did he mean all that by shaking his head?

Puff. Every word of it;-if he shook his head as I taught him.

Dan. Ah! there certainly is a vast deal to be done on the stage by dumb shew, and expression of face; and a judicious author knows how much he may trust to it.

Sneer. O! here are some of our old acquaintance.

Enter SIR C. HATTON and RALEIGH.

Sir C. My niece, and your niece too! [not else By heav'n! there's witchcraft in't. He could Have gain'd their hearts. But see where they 'approach;

Some horrid purpose low'ring on their brows! 'Sir W. Let us withdraw and mark them.' (They withdraw to the side.)

Sneer. What is all this? Puff. Ah! here has been more pruning! But the fact is, these two young ladies are also in love with Don Whiskerandos. Now, gentlemen, this scene effect, by which the greatest applause may be obgoes entirely for what we call situation and stage tained, without the assistance of language, sentiment, or character: pray mark!—

Enter the two Nieces.

'1st Niece. Ellena here!

She is his scorn as much as I ;-that is
Some comfort still!'

Puff. O dear madam, you are not to say that to her face!-Aside, ma'am, aside.-The whole scene is to be aside.

'1st Niece. She is his scorn as much as I ;-that is 'Some comfort still! (Aside.)

2d Niece. I know he prizes not Pollina's love, 'But Tilburina lords it o'er his heart. (Aside.) '1st Niece. But see the proud destroyer of my peace. 'Revenge is all the good I've left. (Aside.) "2d Niece. He comes, the false disturber of my quiet. 'Now, vengeance, do thy worst.

(Aside.)

Enter WHISKERANDOS. Whisk. O, hateful liberty,-if thus in vain 'I seek my Tilburina!

"Both Nieces. And ever shalt!

(Sir Christopher and Sir Walter come forward.) 'Both. Hold! we will avenge you.

'Whisk. Hold you; or see your nieces bleed!" (The two nieces draw their two daggers to strike Whiskerandos; the two uncles at the instant, with their two swords drawn, catch their two Nieces' arms, and turn the points of their swords to Whiskerandos, who immediately draws two daggers, and holds them to the two Nieces' bosoms.)

Puff. There's situation for you! there's an Whiskerandos ;-he durst not strike them for fear heroic group!-You see the ladies can't stab of their uncles; the uncles durst not kill him, because of their nieces.-I have them all at a dead

lock-for every one of them is afraid to let go first.

Sneer. Why, then they must stand there for ever. Puff. So they would, if I hadn't a very fine contrivance for't. Now mind—

Enter Beef-eater with his halbert. Beef. In the queen's name! I charge you all 'to drop

"Your swords and daggers!'

(They drop their swords and daggers.) Sneer. This is a contrivance indeed. Puff. Ay; in the queen's name.

'Sir C. Come, niece!

'Sir W.Come, niece! [Exeunt with the two Nieces.

"Whisk. What's he, who bids us thus renounce 'our guard?

'Beef. Thou must do more;-renounce thy love! 'Whisk. Thou liest ;-base Beefeater!

Beef. Ha! hell! the lie!

By heav'n, thou'st rous'd the lion in my heart! 'Off! yeoman's habit!-base disguise! off! off! (Discovers himself, by throwing off his upper dress; and appearing in a very fine waistcoat.) 'Am I a Beefeater now?

'Or beams my crest as terrible as when
"In Biscay's bay I took thy captive sloop!'

Puff. There, egad! he comes out to be the captain of the privateer who had taken Whiskerandos prisoner-and was himself an old lover of Tilburina's.

Dan. Admirably manag'd, indeed.

Puff. Now, stand out of their way. [bestow'd Whisk. I thank thee, Fortune! that hast thus 'A weapon to chastise this insolent.

(Takes up one of the swords.) Beef. I take thy challenge, Spaniard, and I thank Thee, Fortune, too!' (Takes up the other sword.) Dan. That's excellently contrived! it seems as if the two uncles had left their swords on purpose for them.

Puff. No,egad! they could not help leaving them. 'Whisk. Vengeance and Tilburina!

· Beef. Exactly so.

(They fight, and after the usual number of wounds given, Whiskerandos falls.)

Whisk. O cursed parry!-that last thrust in tierce Was fatal. Captain, thou hast fenced well! "And Whiskerandos quits this bustling scene "For all eter-(Dies.)

[death

Beef. -nity-He would have added, but stern 'Cut short his being, and the noun at once!'

Puff. O, my dear sir, you are too slow.-Now mind me.-Sir, shall I trouble you to die again? (Whisk. rises.)

'Whisk. And Whiskerandos quits this bustling

scene

For all eter

Beef. -nity-He would have addedPuff. No, sir, that's not it. Once more, if you please

Whisk. I wish, sir, you would practise this without me: I can't stay dying here all night.

Puff. Very well, we'll go over it by-and-bye :I must humour these gentlemen. [Exit Whisk. 'Beef.Farewell, brave Spaniard! and when next-' Puff. Dear sir, you needn't speak that speech, as the body has walked off.

Beef. That's true, sir: then I'll join the fleet. Puff. If you please. [Exit Beefeater.] Now, who comes on? Tilburina, stark mad, in white satin.

Sneer. Why, in white satin?

Puff. O Lord! sir,-when a heroine goes mad, she always goes into white satin; don't she, Dangle? Dan. Always; it's a rule.

Puff. Yes: here it is,-(Looking at the book.) Enter Tilburina stark mad, in white satin, and her Confidante stark mad, in white linen.'

Enter TILBURINA and Confidante mad, according

to costume.

Sneer. But what the deuce! is the confidante to be mad too?

Puff. To be sure she is. The confidante is al

ways to do whatever her mistress does; weep when she weeps, smile when she smiles, go mad when she goes mad. Now, madam confidante,-but keep your madness in the back ground, if you please.

Til. The wind whistles-the moon rises-see, "They have kill'd my squirrel in his cage! 'Is this a grasshopper?-Ha! no, it is my "Whiskerandos-you shall not keep himI know you have him in your pocketAn oyster may be cross'd in love!-Who says 'A whale's a bird?-Ha! did you call, my love? '-He's here! He's there!-He's every where! Ah me! He's no where.'

[Exeunt Tilburina and Confidante. Puff. There! do you ever desire to see any body madder than that?

Sneer. Never while I live!

Puff. You observed how she mangled the metre! Dan. Yes,-egad! it was the first thing made me suspect she was out of her senses.

Sneer. And pray what becomes of her? Puff. She is gone to throw herself into the sea to be sure; and that brings us at once to the scene of action, and so to my catastrophe,-my sea-fight, I mean.

Sneer. What, you bring that in at last?

Puff. Yes, yes. You know my play is called the Spanish Armada, otherwise, egad! I have no occasion for the battle at all. Now then for my magnificence!--my battle!-my noise!—and my procession!-You are all ready?

Prom. (Within.) Yes, sir.
Puff. Is the Thames drest?

Enter THAMES with two attendants.
Thames. Here I am, sir.

Puff. Very well indeed. See, gentlemen, there's a river for you!-This is blending a little of the masque with my tragedy;-a new fancy, you know, and very useful in my case; for as there must be a procession, I suppose Thames and all his tributary rivers to compliment Britannia with a fête in honour of the victory.

Sneer. But pray, who are those gentlemen in green with him?

Puff. Those? Those are his banks.
Sneer. His banks?

Puff. Yes, one crown'd with alders, and the other with a villa!-you take the allusions? But eh! what the plague! you have got both your banks on one side. Here, sir, come round. Ever while you live, Thames, go between your banks. (Bell rings.) There, so! now for't! Štand aside, my dear friends! Away, Thames!

[Exit Thames between his banks. (Flourish of drums-trumpets-cannon, &c. &c. Scene changes to the sea-the fleets engage the music plays Britons strike home.'-Spanish fleet destroyed by fire-ships, &c.-English fleet advances-music plays Rule Britannia.-The procession of all the English rivers and their tributaries with their emblems, &c. begins with Handel's water music, ends with a chorus, to the march in Judas Maccabæus.

During this scene, Puff directs and applauds every thing-then :)

Puff. Well, pretty well;-but not quite perfect; -so, ladies and gentlemen, if you please, we'll rehearse this piece again to-morrow. [Exeunt.

SCENE I.-A Street at Bath.

Coachman crosses the Stage. Enter FAG, looking after him.

Fag. What, Thomas! Sure, 'tis he! What, Thomas! Thomas!

Coach. Eh! ods life! Mr. Fag! give us your hand, my old fellow servant.

Fag. Excuse my glove, Thomas; I'm devilish glad to see you, my lad! Why, my prince of charioteers, you look as hearty-But who the deuce thought of seeing you in Bath?

Coach. Sure, master, Madam Julia, Harry, Mrs. Kate, and the postillion be all come. Fag. Indeed!

Coach. Ay: master thought another fit of the gout was coming to make him a visit, so he'd a mind to gi't the slip; and, whip! we were all off at an hour's warning.

Fag. Ay, ay; hasty in every thing, or it would not be Sir Anthony Absolute.

Coach. But tell us, Mr. Fag, how does young master? Od, Sir Anthony will stare to see the Cap

tain here!

Fag. I do not serve Captain Absolute now.
Coach. Why, sure!

Fag. At present, I am employed by Ensign Beverley.

Couch. I doubt, Mr. Fag, you ha'n't changed for the better.

Fag. I have not changed, Thomas.

Coach. No! why, didn't you say you had left young master?

Fag. No. Well, honest Thomas, I must puzzle you no further: briefly, then; Captain Absolute and Ensign Beverley are one and the same person. Coach. The devil they are! do tell us, Mr. Fag, the meaning on't.

Fag. You'll be secret, Thomas.

Coach. As a coach-horse.

Fay. Why, then the cause of all this is love; love, Thomas, who has been a masquerader ever since the days of Jupiter.

Coach. But, pray, why does your master pass only for ensign now, if he had shammed general, indeed

Fag. Ah, Thomas! there lays the mystery o'the matter! Harkye! Thomas, my master is in love with a lady of a very singular taste; a lady, who likes him better as a half-pay ensign, than if she knew he was son and heir to Sir Anthony Absolute, a baronet of three thousand a year.

Coach. That is an odd taste, indeed! But has she got the stuff, Mr. Fag? is she rich, eh?

Fag. Rich! why, I believe she owns half the stocks! Zounds! Thomas, she could pay the national debt as easily as I could my washerwoman. She has a lapdog that eats out of gold; she feeds her parrot with small pearls, and all her thread-papers

are made of bank-notes.

Coach. Bravo, 'faith! Od! I warrant, she has a set of thousands at least: but does she draw kindly with the Captain?

Fag. As fond as pigeons.

Coach. May one hear her name?

Fag. Miss Lydia Languish. But there is an old tough aunt in the way, though, by the by, she has

never seen my master; for he got acquainted with Miss while on a visit in Gloucestershire.

Coach. Well, I wish they were once harnessed together in matrimony. But pray, Mr. Fag, what kind of a place is this Bath? I ha' heard a great deal of it; here's a mort o' merry making, eh?

Jul. True, Lydia, and our pleasure is the greater. But what has been the matter? you were denied to me at first.

Lyd. Ah! Julia, I have a thousand things to tell you. But first inform me what has conjured you to Bath? Is Sir Anthony here?

I

Jul. He is; we are arrived within this hour, and suppose he will be here to wait on Mrs. Malaprop,

as soon as he is dressed.

Fag. Well, Thomas, we'll not quarrel about that. But hold! mark-mark! Thomas.

Coach. Zooks! 'tis the Captain! Is that the lady with him?

Fag. No, no; that is Madam Lucy, my master's mistress's maid; they lodge at that house; but I must after him, to tell him the news.

Coach. Od! he's giving her money! Well, Mr. Fag

Fag. Good bye, Thomas; I have an appointment in Gyde's porch, this evening, at eight; meet me there, and we'll make a little party. [Exeunt. SCENE II.-A Dressing-room in Mrs. Malaprop's lodgings.

LYDIA LANGUISH sitting on a sofa, with a book in her hand; LUCY, as just returned from a message. Lucy. Indeed, ma'am, I traversed half the town in search of it: I don't believe there's a circulating library in Bath I ha'n't been at.

Lyd. And could not you get "The Reward of Constancy?"

Lucy. No, indeed, ma'am.

Lyd. Nor "The Fatal Connexion?"
Lucy. No, indeed, ma'am.

Lyd. Nor "The Mistakes of the Heart?" Lucy. Ma'am, as ill luck would have it, Mr. Bull said, Miss Sukey Saunter had just fetched it away. Lyd. Heigho! Did you inquire for "The Delicate Distress?"

Lucy. Or, "The Memoirs of Lady Woodford?" Yes, indeed, ma'am, I asked every where for it; and I might have brought it from Mr. Frederick's, but Lady Slattern Lounger, who had just sent it home, had so soiled and dog's-eared it, it wa'n't fit for a Christian to read.

Lyd. Heigho! Yes; I always know when Lady Slattern has been before me: she has a most observing thumb: and, I believe, cherishes her nails for the convenience of making marginal notes. Well, child, what have you brought me?

Lucy. O! here, ma'am. (Taking books from under her cloak, and from her pockets.) This is "The Man of Feeling, and this, "Peregrine Pickle." Here are "The Tears of Sensibility," and "Humphrey Clinker."

Lyd. Hold, here's some one coming; quick! see who it is. [Exit Lucy.] Surely, I heard my cousin Julia's voice!

Enter LUCY.

Lucy. Lud, ma'am! here is Miss Melville. Lyd. Is it possible?

formed you of my whole connexion with Beverley: but I have lost him, Julia; my aunt has discovered our intercourse, by a note she intercepted, and has confined me ever since. Yet, would you believe it? she has fallen absolutely in love with a tall Irish baronet, she met one night, since we have been here, at Lady Macshuffle's rout. Jul. You jest, Lydia.

Lyd. No, upon my word: she really carries on a kind of correspondence with him, under a feigned name though, till she chooses to be known to him; but it is a Delia, or a Celia, I assure you.

Jul. Then, surely, she is now more indulgent to her niece?

Lyd. Quite the contrary: since she has discovered her own frailty, she is become more suspicious of mine. Then I must inform you of another plague; that odious Acres is to be in Bath to-day; so that, I protest, I shall be teased out of all spirits!

Jul. Come, come, Lydia, hope for the best; Sir Anthony shall use his interest with Mrs. Malaprop. Lyd. But you have not heard the worst: unfor tunately, I had quarrelled with my poor Beverley, not seen him since to make it up. just before my aunt made the discovery, and I have

Jul. What was his offence?

Lyd. Nothing at all. But I don't know how it was, as often as we had been together, we had never had a quarrel; and, somehow, I was afraid he would never give me an opportunity; so, last Thursday, I wrote a letter to myself, to inform myself that Beverley was, at that time, paying his addresses to another woman. I signed it "Your friend unknown," shewed it to Beverley, charged him with his falsehood, put myself in a violent passion, and vowed I'd never see him more.

Jul. And you let him depart so, and have not seen him since?

Lyd. 'Twas the next day my aunt found the matter out: I intended only to have teased him three days and a half, and now I've lost him for ever.

represented him to me, he will never give you up Jul. If he is as deserving and sincere as you have ensign, and you have thirty thousand pounds. so. Yet, consider, Lydia; you tell me he is but an

Lyd. But you know I lose most of my fortune, if that is what I have determined to do ever since I I marry without my aunt's consent, till of age; and knew the penalty; nor could I love the man who would wish to wait a day for the alternative.

Jul. Nay, this is caprice!

Lyd. What! does Julia tax me with caprice? I thought her lover, Faulkland, had inured her to it. Jul. I do not love even his faults.

Lyd. But apropos! you have sent to him, I suppose?

Jul. Not yet, upon my word; nor has he the least idea of my being in Bath: Sir Anthony's resolution was so sudden I could not inform him of it.

uess!

Enter JULIA.

Jul, Nay, you are wrong, entirely; we were